Manly shopping is proper shopping

I am a manly shopper. I was taught to be a manly shopper from an early age, when I watched my dad walk into a store and leave ten minutes later with every piece of clothing he would need for the next ten years. No looking around, no checking for better prices, no "taking a break" for lunch in the food court. Such things were for ladies, and a man did not have any use for them.

Most ladies, on the other hand, would camp out inside the shopping mall if the security guards didn't beat them with nightsticks around closing time. Do you doubt me? Go with a woman when she's buying a swimsuit. Just make sure to keep the next eight days clear on your calendar.

So on Sunday I walked into the Mall of America and walked out 30 minutes later with two pairs of shorts, a shirt, and a pair of shoes. Even my dad might have trouble breaking that record, especially at the Mall of America, which is so big that it takes you 10 minutes to park and another 15 minutes just to get to the store you're looking for. But then again, I might be disqualified from the manly shopping competition just for stepping foot in a place like the Mall of America.

I would understand if I were disqualified for choosing that mall. The Mall of America is a terrible place. I always feel awkward shopping there, like I'm in a forbidden land filled with ill-tempered flying monkeys. The awkward gap goes from 14 to middle-aged. If you're over 13, you're too old to be there, and if you're not middle-aged, fat, and walking around with a stroller, you're too young to be there. I am in the prime age group companies pander their products to, yet I feel uncomfortable in the world's largest shopping mall. Go figure.

To be honest, my manly shopping style was flawed this time around. As my dad says, it's not unusual for manly shoppers to be so anxious to leave that they convince themselves to buy an item not in their size and "make it work." I told myself a size 11 shoe would "stretch out" over time, but when I got home and found the shoes were cutting off circulation, I realized my manly shopping error. So I ended up returning the shoes, and searching other stores for the right size.

This was not an easy task. I have size 12 feet, which makes finding shoes difficult. There's a conspiracy at work with shoe sizes, and my failed attempt at finding size 12 shoes only acts as further proof.

I'm not sure why, but you can never find cool shoes that are size 12. You can find extremely ugly shoes, like all those retardo space-age-looking basketball shoes with bubbles and weird mesh patches and motorized pencil sharpeners on them, but the cool shoes are always out of stock. Size 11, 10, or 10 and a half, yes. Size 12, no.

Perhaps it's because men with large feet are known to be large in other areas. The owners of shoe companies must be men with very small feet. Yes, I realize the "big feet, big other things" talk is just an unproven myth, but seeing how I have big feet, I'll be damned if I'm going to stop spreading the rumor.

Anyway, the last store I visited checked to see if their other stores had the shoe in my size, and it turns out their La Crosse store had a pair. I live in La Crosse. It figures that I wait to shop in Minneapolis, and then can't find the shoes anywhere but La Crosse. That's more ironic than George W. Bush winning a game of Scrabble.

Well, okay, maybe it's not. But it's close.

Of course, I could view this as a happy turn of events, since I'll be able to buy the shoes today, but I'm a pessimist, so I just see it as another one of God's cruel jokes. I can stand most of the brutal misery in my life, but when a man can't enjoy a new pair of shoes while driving the long way home, that's just going too far.

But at least I can be happy knowing this entire ordeal will still take me less time than it takes an average woman to buy a pair of socks. Even if failure, manly shopping shall always prevail.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Dan L. Stock      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Paully; you need to swing by West Duluth and come to The Athletes Foot. I work from 2-7 every day next week. Stop by and I\'ll help ya out, brutha! Cholly      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Shoes are for protecting your feet, manly shopper impersonator. If you\'re looking for \"cool shoes\", watch your dad some more. The Flash      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I think even though Paul wanted to keep the rumor going about big feet, big other things...We ALL know the real reason he made the lousy attempt... Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Who predicted my sayings??? Show your name, we shall duel.      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I figured Katers would say that...and I am not. But I\'m not manly. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   No you don\'t. You have size 12 clown shoes, you circus freak. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I look cuter. Or I mean handsomer. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I am the epitome of womanly shopping. But I look damn cute. ;P

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