This column is way gooder than your bestest column

original print date, October 10 2001
.....

.........Paul Ryan,
.........Columnist

.....Well, since both the Ripsaw and the Northland Weekly Readerthingy or whatever the hell they call it now have had surveys for ?best in the area? stuff, I?ve decided that I?m going to do the same thing. The only difference is, I?m not letting any of you vote. There are two reasons for this:

.....1. None of you little S.O.B.?s would turn in a vote anyway, so it?d be pointless.
.....2. I don?t care what you think, because I?m a big jerk.

.....So you see, it really is a simple process. I get to choose, and you get to sit there and be fat, because you are fat. I know you don?t think you?re fat, but you are.
.....Not only that, but you?re also the ?smelly kid? in class, and nobody likes the smelly kid.
.....Moving on, here?s the best of the Northland/Twin Ports area:

Best Health Club: House of Donuts (4th St. in Duluth).

Best Hardcore Narcotic: Nyquil.

Best Bar with a Dartboard: Champs, because I?ve heard that my picture is on it. Speaking of that, my picture should be on the main dartboard, not the one in back. C?mon Champs.

Best Place to get Shot: Stargate.

Best Place to get Knifed: Stargate.

Best Place to get Laid: Anyplace but Stargate.

Best-looking Woman: Your mother. Seriously, when was the last time you heard a ?your mom? joke? Like sixth grade? God, I rule.

Best-looking Man: There?s no way in hell I?m answering this.

Best Columnist: Frank Haataja. The bastard.

Best Item to Drink Beer out of: A dirty bucket.

Best Way to Read the Promethean: Naked in the Green Room of the Fine Arts Building. I?ll print any pictures of this you send in.

.....***Please pardon this interruption in your regularly-scheduled column for a news update.***

.....To those of you who were evacuated from the top two floors of Ross Hall on Sunday, I apologize. There was no real city-wide gas leak, like your RA?s told you. No, it was just me. I farted. I like to fart in Ross Hall. I like to fart there because I don?t live there. Boy howdy, if I?m going to rip a loud one, it?s going to be in Ross.
.....Why did your RA?s lie to you? Because they hate you, that?s why. They hate you and they want you to die. That?s why they put you way out there at Ross, y?know. Ross is where they send all the psychos and alcoholics and near-retarded kids. They also beat Canadians in the basement at Ross.
.....The RA?s there all sing showtunes and pee in the shower when you?re not around. Sometimes when you?re gone to class, they open your door and rub their bare ass on all of your things.
.....***Thank you for your time.***

Best Way to Make Money: Pawn your roommate?s clothing.

Best Weight-loss Plan: Chartwell?s Food Service.

Best Place to Steal Road Signs From: Mariner Mall parking lot.

Best Place to take your grandparents: Dougherty Funeral Home.
.....***Once again, please pardon this interruption for an important message.***

.....You know what I like? Jello Pudding Pops. Why?d they ever stop making those? Man, if Bill Cosby were here right now, I?d slap him right in the mouth.

Best First Date: The Lamplighter.

Best Second Date: I have never been on a second date.

Best Band: Ballyhoo. Anyone who doesn?t like Ballyhoo is ugly and smells like a big piece of crap. So there.

.....So those are my picks. I'm all out of room. Thank God.

Which is better?

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