Metallica officially becomes 'Most Retarded Band Ever'

Update: The article about Metallica was actually a joke, not real, but I'm keeping this article up because I still hate Lars Ulrich.

"People are going to get on our case again for this, but try to see it from our point of view just once," stated Metallica's Lars Ulrich. "We're not saying we own those two chords, individually - that would be ridiculous. We're just saying that in that specific order, people have grown to associate (chords) E, F with our music."

Don't worry Lars, I'm trying to see it from your point of view. I'm just having trouble attaining the proper mixture of arrogance and mental retardation.

Yes, the bitter old geezers of Metallica are at it again, this time suing a band called "Unfaith", who they claim is stealing the E and F chords from them, as if any chord was theirs to begin with. Apparently, Metallica sent Unfaith a letter asking them to stop using the chords in that particular order, to which they received no response. One can only imagine that it's because the band is still rolling around on the floor laughing.

I'm no lawyer, but f you don't own those two chords, and those chords are used every day by guitarists across the world, and somebody was using them - probably in that same order - long before Metallica did, I'd say you have no chance in hell of winning this lawsuit. Of course, you'll probably force a settlement, because the indie band you're suing doesn't have the money to protect themselves against moronic lawsuits from thickheaded and outdated bands.

Metallica suing a band for using two chords in a certain order is like McDonald's suing Burger King for putting the pickles and ketchup on top of the burger. What if Green Day sued punk bands that only use three chords? What if swing bands sued ska bands for including horns in their music? What if hall of fame pitcher Nolan Ryan sued me for having the same last name as him?

Metallica is filing a trademark infringement because, says Ulrich, use of the chords causes "confusion, deception, and mistake in the minds of the public." I hate it when something "causes mistake" in my mind. But hey, let's give Metallica a chance. Their lawyer said the music samples on Unfaith's site "shamelessly feature" the two chords, so here's the sample below. Let's listen and judge for ourselves.

Wow! Was that Metallica? It sounded exactly like them! Especially the polite melody and soft guitars. If Unfaith's drummer is a loudmouthed d**khead, the two bands will be identical enough where I'll never have to pay big bucks for a Metallica concert ticket again.

Well, since the song sample doesn't sound anything like Metallica, maybe there are other similarities between the bands. Perhaps the bands look and dress similar. Here's a picture.

Okay . . . so Metallica is suing a band that sounds and looks like Savage Garden. Maybe Comedy Central will televise the trial. While they're at it, they can televise a look at Metallica's music from the last ten years, too. I'm sure both programs will get a lot of laughs.

I guess we can't really blame Metallica. They have nothing left but the attention they get from frivolous lawsuits. Maybe if they grow their hair out again, they can win back all the mullet people who got mad at them for cutting their hair.