E-mails, comments, clarifications, and random complaints from readers

It's been a while since I've done a "letters from readers" column, and since I gave up caffeine the other day, I have no energy to write a real column. Once 3 pm hits, I'm asleep and pretty much useless the rest of the day. I'm like an elderly man who wakes up at 5 am so he can get a head start, but falls asleep after lunch and refuses to do anything the rest of the day.

I'm in the mood for an angry letter. Perhaps my inbox has a letter that verbally abuses me. Let's see. . . ah, yes. Not only is this letter verbally abusive, but apparently it was sent by me. I don't remember sending it, but that's what was filled out on the e-mail form of this website. You punks are getting clever. Okay, not really.

Look AT ME IM PAUL RYAN... AND I SUCK!! I HATE ST.SCHO BECAUSE THE BLA BLA BLA.... AND YOU KNOW I SUCK MY D**K.. AND MAKE THEM SUNNY SIDE UPS!!

Let's be perfectly honest here. If I could suck my own d**k, wouldn't that actually be pretty amazing? No, seriously. Let's think about this scientifically. A man who can suck his own d**k would technically be 50% happier than the rest of us guys, because the whole problem of getting nookie would be moot. Who needs a relationship when you can give yourself head?

The person who sent the letter is obviously from the College of St. Scholastica. I think I've written a few jokes about that school in the past, and I guess this person found those jokes. A note to wealthy parents: this dolt's letter is proof that all the money in the world can't make your kids smart. If you dump a turd in a fancy private college, it will still be a turd. Even if the turd graduates - and a lot of turds do graduate from St. Scholastica - it will still just be something funny-smelling that came out of your crack.

I'm also confused as to why this person fully capitalized everything except the first word. I guess turds probably have trouble typing. Especially the really mooshy ones, like this guy.

Our second letter comes from Stefanie in Crossville, Tenn. Like me, she is an MTV "The Real World" hopeful. I'm not really sure why she's giving me her entire bio in this letter, but I suspect it's because she's a loser.

Hey Paul, I want to be on Real World too. I am just looking for something new to do, school is not fun, and I'm bored with mostly everything here. I've travelled, I sing, I dance, anything that is fun, and I am fun too. Why the hell don't they give us the address on the computer? Well, if you ever figure this one out, you should send me a link, I'm fun, I'm 19, hey I'm a scorpio what else can I say.

How about you "travell" to a store that sells dictionaries?

Seriously, what am I, a judge? And if I were a judge, why would I care that you're a scorpio, or that you think you're fun? Why would I care that you sing? Nobody sings or has fun on The Real World. They just look hot and bitch a lot. Plus, Tennessee blows ass.

Our third and final letter is from three of my latest groupies. No, really! I have groupies! Their names are Megan, Kelly, and Sam, and they're from Two Harbors, Minn.

You always mention that no one reads your column, but we discovered it a while ago and read you faithfully every week. There are three of us and we are the female version of you, or so we think.

I dunno. You don't sound nearly bitter enough to be versions of me. How does the female version of me look, anyway? Do I have large breasts or a big booty? I'd like to think the female version of me would have a fine booty. Lord knows my current man booty is fine. Anyway, feel free to take part in my "Hottest Groupie" contest. Any and all groupies can upload photos of themselves, and my readers will vote on an official groupie. The winning groupie will get 47 cents and coupons that came on the back of my Cub Foods receipt. No joke.

Wednesday Music Spotlight. Normally, I don't like country music. Okay, so normally I hate country music. But there's a song off the "Old Skool" movie soundtrack that's really good. But the song has a real indie quality to it, and is definitely worth checking out. Just wait for the chorus, that's all I ask. It was originally released in 2000, but I figure not many people have heard it. While I wouldn't recommend anyone take a liking to country music, I'd say this song is pretty kick ass.

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Reader Comments

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TractorInc      Feb 7, 6582 • 10:59am   Yeah. The Ryan Adams is pretty good occasionally. Though, if you like the indie-country twinge to it, you should check out his original band, Whiskeytown. Pretty solid stuff in there. Katers      Feb 7, 5677 • 10:59am   I like country music, so shove it up your piehole. Thanks! :)

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