Dear Smashmouth: you blow ass

Normally, I don't like to make fun of a particular band or type of music. I listen to a variety of musical styles myself, some of which would be considered laughable. I have The Fat Boys Greatest Hits. I have a Tom Jones album. I have Metallica's "Load" and "Reload" albums.

I still believe The Fat Boys are an important part of musical history. Have you heard their famous beatbox song? It's absolutely brilliant. P. Diddy could never do a beatbox. Well, I guess that's not saying much. P. Diddy couldn't even write a song without sampling ten other artists.

Obviously, I understand that variety is the key to music, and everybody enjoys their own thing. But there's one band I just can't allow people to listen to: Smashmouth. I bought one album by this band full of assclowns, and it was quite possibly the worst collection of songs I have ever heard. And remember, I'm the guy who bought and still enjoys The Fat Boys Greatest Hits.

There is not a worse band than Smashmouth. Their songs are poppy, vomit-inducing piles of crap that sound like those "songs for kids" albums for sale on infomercials. The band's overweight lead singer is a 35 year-old trying to look like he's 20, and strongly resembles a walrus. Nearly every member of the band has a soul patch on their chin.

It was bad enough when Smashmouth was writing their own "hit" songs, but in recent years they, like most talentless bands, have tried to boost the amount of radio singles they have by recording lame cover songs. Can you think of one good band that has repeatedly relied on cover songs? Anyone who mentions Uncle Kracker as a good band gets a kick in the teeth.

No, seriously.

Smashmouth recently did a cover of a song by The Monkees. Isn't that proof enough? Isn't it horrible that they've run out of bad songs of their own, and have to ruin other people's songs?

Next Tuesday, Smashmouth will release their fourth album. The question, which I doubt they can answer, is "Why?" Smashmouth's first album, "Fush Yu Mang", was a horrendous album with only one single. Their second album, "Astro Lounge", had one single and a few other deflated, boring tunes that went straight to VH1. Their third album, which was self-titled for some reason, had no singles, only the Monkees cover. Why are they releasing another album? Can someone tell me why?!?

Even the statistical evidence backs me up. According to Smashmouth's official website, their first album sold 2.5 million copies. That's pretty typical for an album from a new band with one single. Their second album, which was their strongest (if such a word can be accurately used to describe such a painfully bad album), sold 3.5 million copies. The sales for the self-titled bomb of an album they released two years ago is labeled on their website as "to be determined", meaning "Our sales reflected our talent".

So let's add it all up. Smashmouth's music sucks. It has probably always sucked, and in order to get their songs on the radio and MTV, they've now resorted to doing cover songs of fictional bands from the '60s. They are also ashamed to say how many copies their last album sold.

The facts are all there. Isn't it time we, as music lovers, did something? Please sign this petition I created, to stop Smashmouth from releasing any more albums. By signing it, you will be making the world a better place.

You can buy The Fat Boys' greatest hits album here. Woo-hoo!

Friday Drink Recipe. Okay, you drunkards. I'm running out of drink recipes. If you've got one, e-mail it to me. This week's drink is called "Modified Cherry Cheesecake". Apparently, it tastes like it's named.

3 shots of vanilla schnapps
1 shot of vodka
cranberry juice

Add in some ice and the shots of booze, and then fill the rest up with cranberry juice.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Craig M. Rice      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I love Smashmouth ! Their lead singer has more talent in his little finger than you do in your entire body. How many millions of records have you sold, your lameness ? You should bow down to Smashmouth, losers. You people are all nuts. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   This is a humor column, sir. None of us are actually angry. It\'s called satire. Look it up. Kevin K      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Looks like the petition has been removed for lack of activity. That ought to tell you cool, angry guys something. Personally I\'m sick and tired of screaming, \"I hate you mother, I hate you father\" type shit you guys listen to. When you\'re older and not so angry you\'ll see what I mean. Smashmouth does some interesting rearrangements and twists on old stuff, and does some very original stuff as well. I can just see you guys at age 40 getting nostalgic over how hot rap was-only there won\'t be any artists alive to play it for you because they\'ll have all killed each other to prove who was the coolest...My generation of musicians may be burnt out from acid, but at least they\'re alive. Ken      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Smashmouth is the gayest fucking shit i have ever heard. Along with oasis, uncle cracker, james blunt, and the barenaked ladies.

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