Christina Aguilera e-mailed me

I don't mean to brag, reader, but I'm a pretty well connected guy. This may surprise most people, since I dress poorly, have little to no tolerable social skills, and make less money than an MC Hammer stage dancer.

It's difficult getting in with the big shots when you're a t-shirt and jeans guy instead of a fashion-conscious metrosexual, but somehow I've managed. But regardless, my time for rubbing elbows with celebrities has finally arrived. Christina Aguilera has e-mailed me. Don't believe me? Look for yourself:

That's a real screenshot of my Yahoo e-mail account. Christina Aguilera e-mailed me, and is obviously madly in love with me. I have not opened the e-mail yet, but when I do, I imagine it will be an attempt to get into my pants. The e-mail is 7k in size, so she's obviously pretty obsessed with me. She's probably sitting around right now thinking of all the wonderful, romantic things we could do together.

That's exactly why I'll be turning the slut down. I can't be bothered by women who pine for me all day, no matter how scantily clad they are. I refuse to walk around town being groped all day. I am no boy toy, and I refuse to be seen as such. I, Paul Ryan, have a reputation to uphold.

"Looking for someone?" Cripes. What a pathetic, desperate loser.

Well, I guess it's time to do the dirty work. I must now open the e-mail, read its contents, and reply with a simple, "Beat it, streetwalker!"

It says, "LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE? EXTEND YOUR PENIS TWO INCHES, GUARANTEED! FEEL LONGER AND STRONGER IN NO TIME! FIND THE LOVE YOU DESERVE!"

Is this an insult? Is Christina Aguilera insulting me? I dare say, that's quite the ballsy move, priming me up as if she were going to swoon swoon, and then recommending I extend my kong dong. As if such a thing could even be done. What nerve that woman has!

She must have heard about my small penis from Britney Spears. That's the last time I let her pay me for sex.

I'll just have to write Miss Aguilera back, and tell her what's what:

"Dear Christina,
I find it odd that you pester me to embiggen my man stick, when you obviously already have three or four of them in your mouth most of the day anyway. Perhaps you should find a tool to make your face larger, so that way the gobs of makeup you smear on yourself would be more evenly spread out, and wouldn't make you look quite so much like a scary clown. In closing, I'd like to say I find it hilarious that you have misspelled your own name on your e-mail. It has one "l", not two, dingleberry."

Well, that should show her a thing or two. Maybe next time . . . what's this? The e-mail is coming back as an error. It seems my reply didn't get through. Perhaps that wasn't really her after all. But how could it not be? This is Yahoo Mail we're talking about. If this were spam mail, I certainly wouldn't be getting it in my inbox, would I? Surely, Yahoo takes care of such things.

Since Yahoo would obviously never allow a piece of spam mail to get through it's filters, I imagine it's just that Christina Aguilera's inbox is full of requests from various man whores. There's really no other explanation.

I don't care either way. No matter what, I'm still the most lusted after pimp in the western middle-lower southern near-suburban side of La Crosse.

Thursday Surprise. Another fun update. Go see it. It's free, damnit!

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Reader Comments

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unknown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   you are fuckin stupid u should have taken da chance wen u had it u dickhead Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Oooh, a pseudo ghetto kid doesn\'t want me to make fun of Christina Aguilera, but then makes fun of me for being white. You do realize Christina Aguilera is white, don\'t you? Dumbass. foo      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   you mofo. shut your ass up and dont talk no shit bout christina. pimp? excuse me? aint no white boy a pimp. more like a mama\'s boy.. go rip your penis off, break it in half and shove it up your ass. or better yet, stfu and go fuck yourself. Christina Aguilera      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Ah well, now you\'ll never know what could have been. Bec      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I was thinking the same thing as Katers...the 7K, 3K thing. The Friday column makes up for it!!! Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Aaron, if you grow some breasts and dance around like a prostitute like Christina Aguilera, then it might be worth a column. Aaron J. Brown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   So Christina Aguilera merits a column after sending you just ONE e-mail when the fact that I e-mailed you TWICE (according to your fake screen shot) earns no mention at all? I\'m crushed. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Oops. I was tired when I wrote it. So sue me. If you look hard, I\'m sure you\'ll find a plethora of inaccuracies in there. :P Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You also lied and said the email was 7k in size, when the screen clearly indicates it is 3k in size. For shame, liar! Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Actually, you sent me an e-mail on January 6, but I changed all the e-mail dates to August so it seem more timely for the column. I had planned to do this column back in January, but forgot about it until now.

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