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Twelve dollars! Twelve glorious dollars! ...................Paul Ryan
How was your Labor Day, reader? Did you spend your time cooking up burgers and hot dogs, drinking lemonade, and fornicating with your significant other? Well you can kiss my ass, because I had to sit inside writing newspaper articles and adjusting photos all day. But that's okay, reader, because with this meaningless paragraph, I've now wasted 133 of your precious 500 words of allotted entertainment.
I guess we should get to the issue at hand, which is the caricature contest. If you don't remember (and I'm sure you don't), I wrote a column a few weeks ago offering $12 to the person who drew the best caricature of me. I received two entries to this contest, meaning 66.7% of my readership entered. The other reader had his hands chopped off in Afghanistan for stealing Laffy Taffy, so naturally, it's difficult for him to draw. In order to get to this website, he must guide the mouse with his nose, and then smash his head against the left mouse button. He lost a pint of blood trying to get to last Friday's column. Almost makes me wish I had put more effort into writing it. Almost. Let's start with the last place entry for the contest first. It was from Margaret Frastley of Duluth, Minn. Her caricature was so terrible that I decided to call it "last place" instead of "second place". It's a caricature of me, if I were a frog. Click on it for a larger view.
 Wow. That's just freakin' weird. But Margaret did print her accompanying letter on resume stationary, so at least she has that going for her. The resume paper is made from 25% cotton fiber, or at least that's what the watermark on the paper says. Here's what Margaret used this incredibly expensive piece of paper to say:
Ah, thank you. So who won the caricature contest? Who had the talent to beat a picture of me as a frog who has no pupils? It was Jeff Missinne of Superior, Wis, who brands himself "America's MOST Unknown Cartoonist!" I dare say he's right. His caricature is pretty damn cool. It kind of makes me look like one of those 1950s TV dads. All the caricature needs is a fedora hat. Once again, click on the picture for a larger view.
 Jeff is a fellow contributor to the Reader Weekly, the alternative weekly newspaper in Duluth that I write for, but I'm sure as hell not paying $12 for a picture of me as a frog, so Jeff wins despite the obvious conflict of interest. Jeff said he hopes he wins, because "Frankly, I need the twelve bucks." Well, you'll be getting your $12 in the mail, Jeff. I'll also be using the caricature you drew in the "About Paul" section of this website. Of course, the money won't come right away, Jeff. I'm a little, uh, short on cash flow this week. But I swear, the next time I have money left over after buying the essentials (beer, novelty glow-in-the-dark condoms, various items from the Home Shopping Network), I'll send you the money. As for Margaret, she won't go away empty handed, either. Despite my hatred for slimy frogs, her caricature does remind me of the cartoon "Battletoads", which I enjoyed back in the day. So I'll be sending Margaret eight cents, and a wooden nickel that's worth one free drink at Mr. Lucky's bar in Superior. Well, at least it was worth a free drink four years ago, when I got it. Is Mr. Lucky's even there anymore? Beats me. Find out in the shocking conclusion next column! Or not. In fact, just don't. I'll forget about it by then.
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Hi hi hi, reader. And no, that's not a misprint. The men at the printing plant who work tirelessly to publish this column every day do a fine job, and don't often make errors. No, I did give you three hello's in a row, in the shortened version of "hi". Why? Because it wastes 68 of the 500 words required for this column. And that's just dandy.
