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Back to school special ...................Paul Ryan
by Trent Anders
1. Nobuddy dont care no nuthin for no skools once you outta them. I swear God, Jusus Chryst, that bussinessess arent gonna care about wut u did in skools. Everywon who comes outta skools always say that that all that matters is how good you are at you carear. Look at me Im one of those guys who writes for a liveing, and I never needeed wut I learnd in skools. Ive got Microseft Word spellcheck, and that's wut is good for me. 2. Skools costs money that you dun't have. Why you wastin munnie (or howevar you spell it? Munnie? Money? Muney? Monney? I dunno. I let Microseft Word spellcheckur get it) that you dunt' have? Youll be in debts forevar, or atleast until youre old and youre dead. 3. Jobz are stoopid boring, anyways. I'd rathur play Playstashun and chat on Yahoo Messinger. Who need spelleng? Watch me get my chats on: "y0 B1+CH, wHy y0 Be all on miah bOn3 like tH4t?" Now lookie dis mad chattin' skillz: "1 G0t l33t h4x0R sKilLZ, MUTHAPHUKER! d0n't bE FRONtIN!" See that? The hole world not be caring bout no spelleng. At least not world of Yahoo Messinger. And thats all thats counts.
by Hanley Finklestein IV
I. Make sweet music with your professors. But alas, young scholar, I mean that only in a sophisticated, educational manner, not in the manner seen in the stag films young boys keep hidden away in the bottom of their hope chests. If you absolutely must engage in fornication with your professor, keep it clandestine. Remember to also use prophylactics during such occasions. Professors are filthy, filthy strumpets and midnight cowboys, not the courtesans you see them to be. II. Cleanliness is close to Godliness. I believe it was Shakespeare who said, "When roommate of thou cometh hither, projectiling thy dinner he hath once swallowed, thou shalt cleaneth thy chunks galore, and keepeth thy odor from yon nostrils forevermore." Or maybe it was Jesus. No matter. I have admiral thoughts which I would like to add to that handsome and cogent limerick. My thoughts - which have been churned into words, not unlike milk into sweet yellow butter - are simple: if your roommate and partner for the semester passes fecal matter into his slacks during said drunken bender, find a new roommate. III. Drink until your heart's content, for when you turn 21, the liquor shall seem lifeless and humdrum. This is not to say you will dislike liquor once you become 21 years of age. It simply means the thrill from drinking spirits is most potent when a sense of danger is about. Once you outgrow the keg parties, and it is legal for you to participate in harmful binge drinking, you will not be as enlightened by the experience. Drink now while your naive membranes still perceive it as most entertaining!
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Tuesday was the first day of school, and for your educational enjoyment, I have invited two speakers from very different backgrounds to address you about the good and bad things related to school. Remember to keep your mind and heart open to our speakers, and to not chew any gum. Gum chewing simply will not be allowed.
Kidz, let me tell you sumthin. Skool is for loosers. I dunno why your going back to skool this week, becuz its defenetely not sumthin that you'll need anytime soon in your lifes. I will give you sum exampuls of why you dont need no skools in your lifes:
Oh, how I long for the days of yore, when I was but a wee lad in a grandiose schoolyard! It was a cynosural land full of wonderment and intriguing perplexity that I could not lay awash from my evolving mind. As my brain sat fermenting until ripe on those warm summer days, there were many valuable ideas I had which may help those of you who have not yet been emancipated from your duties at school. I only hope my pontification - if I may be permitted to lay my soft words upon your ears - will enlighten you, and embiggen your heart.
