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Dirty pillows! I just enjoy saying that. Dirty pillows! ...................Paul Ryan
When I got to the store, I was unsure of what pillow to buy. Medium? Firm? Extra firm? Deluxe super multi-level firm with added firmocity and viscosity to prevent thermal breakdown? Just what the hell do those terms mean, anyway? We need a universal labeling system for products in this country: "great", "good", "kinda crappy", and "piece of shit". Those are terms I can understand. Those are terms that let a man know how his pillow is going to be. Anyway, I chose a "medium" pillow - whatever the hell that is - and was anxious to return home and test it out. Usually I just drink until I blackout, but this was a special occasion. The problem was that I couldn't sleep. I'm so used to sleeping on thin, mushy pillows that using this new "medium" pillow - whatever the hell that is - was like having my head propped up on a shelf the entire night. Granted, it was a shelf of "medium" softness - whatever the hell that is - but a shelf nonetheless. I also had problems with the thickness of the pillow (which I've been told is "medium" - whatever the hell that is). I'm a side sleeper, meaning I sleep on my side rather than my back, stomach, or standing propped against a wall. When I placed my head on the pillow, it sunk into it like a well thrown rock into Ann Coulter's mushy blonde head. Before I knew it, I was being smothered. Medium softness, my ass. This pillow was like a death chamber. They probably used this "medium" style pillow - whatever the hell that is - to kill people in refugee camps during WWII.
Guard: Which one? The Jewish guy? Hitler: (slaps self in forehead) Yes, yes, him. Guard: He died of suffocation from one of the new pillows we ordered. Hitler: What was the softness level of those pillows? Guard: Medium. Hitler: You fool!
Anyway, I'll have to find a way to deal with this pillow. In the meantime, I should buy a new pillowcase to go with it. The one I use now is great, but it's getting kind of old and worn out:
 Maybe I should buy another pillowcase like the one I had in college:
 Hmm. Maybe not. That pillow is a little misleading. While I do enjoy cheerleading, I certainly don't participate in it. If I go back to that style, maybe I should find a pillowcase that says "I love cheerleaders". That would be more accurate. As I was searching for pillowcases on the Internet, I found a place that has pillowcases with celebrities on them. One of the pictures they showed was rather disturbing:
 It's a Madonna pillowcase. I have not altered this image in any way. They actually sell these things. The kid is either more frightened than he's ever been in his life, or he's spanking it. Don't believe me? Then tell me this: where are the kid's hands in the picture? I rest my case. Well, now that I've made you vomit, my job is complete. If anyone can tell me what the hell a medium pillow is - whatever the hell that is - and how it differs from the other pillow styles, send me a message. If you have a theory as to why that kid in the last picture looks so stunned/excited/mentally disabled, go ahead and tell me that as well. If you'd just rather not think about that picture anymore, join the club. I don't blame you one bit.
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I bought a pillow the other day, for the first time in my life. That's not to say I've been resting my head against bags of flour until now; I've just always had hand-me-down pillows. So the other night, while I was laying in bed trying to sleep on my crappy, thin pillow, I realized that I was free to buy a new pillow if I wanted. Oh, sweet delicious freedom!
