How to get a perfect tan while driving

My left arm is perfectly tanned. It hangs out the window when I drive to work every day, and anywhere else I drive. This is what gives me a perfect tan on my left arm. Only on my left arm.

The rest of my body is still a startling pale shade of white, making for a very odd farmer's tan. I never realized I could get such a great tan just from hanging my arm out the window, and it's given me an idea. What if I could find a way to hang other parts of my body out the window while I drive, to get an even tan all over? I think I may be on to something here. Let's draw up the details.

Week 1: Right arm. I have two options for this one. I could hang my right arm out the driver's side window, which would cause me to turn my body 90 degrees, making me look like an amputee who was late for work and forgot to attach his wooden arm. The other option is to call my brother, who is a good auto mechanic, and ask him to reconstruct my car in a British manner, with the driver's side on the right instead of the left. Of course, he would have to keep switching it back and forth for me every month or so, but hopefully he won't mind. He's my brother, after all. Why would he mind? While he's at it, he could also rewire my back speakers, since they currently do not produce any bass.

Week 2: Legs. As I continue my plan to get a full tan while driving to work, I'm worried that if I take too many weeks to get the full tan, some of my other tanned areas will fade. Because of this, I've decided to cut corners by tanning both my legs at once. I'll set the cruise control, stick both legs out the window, and use a toilet plunger to operate the brake pedal. If the cruise control stops working after I use the brakes - and it will - I'll use the toilet plunger to control both pedals.

Week 3: Face. Ever seen the movie "Ace Ventura", where his windshield gets smashed and he has to drive with his head out the window? I have been using this movie as an instruction manual of sorts, and will be following its driving style almost religiously during week 3.

Week 4: Back. This is a difficult one. My best bet is to use the toilet plunger for the pedals again, and cling to the outside of the vehicle, like gangsters in those old movies who hang on the side of the car while shooting. But instead of shooting, I'll be steering while rubbing Crisco on my back. My commute to work is only about seven minutes, so I'll need to speed up the effect of the sun's rays as much as possible. Hence, the Crisco.

Week 5: Chest. This will be even more difficult than tanning my back. It will involve a similar technique, using the toilet plunger for the pedals and hanging on the side of the car, but I'll have to hang backwards on the side of the car, facing outward. So hitting the pedals with the poo plunger will take some guesswork. Facing outward will also make me more liable to fall, which means I'll have to apply the Crisco beforehand.

Problem: What if the police hassle me? I realize that a man hanging on the side of his car is an odd sight, which is why I'll be painting the words, "EVERYTHING IS FINE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN" on my chest. If the police still come hassle me, I will be prepared with an extra toilet plunger on the driver's seat. Making the police car dodge the toilet plunger I wield should buy me enough time to get the full amount of sun needed for a healthy tan.

If all else fails: Hire a chauffeur. If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that there are always problems, even with a perfect plan like mine. The police could arrest me (but as far as I know, there's no law against hitting a police car with a toilet accessory), or I could fall off the car and injure my groin. So if all else fails, and I'm unable to get a full tan while driving my car, I'll hire a chauffeur to drive me to work while I lay on top of the car. This option will be a little more expensive, but the money I'll be saving by not going to a tanning booth should cover the chauffeur's salary. The main point here isn't money, it's time. I don't have a lot of free time, and by getting a tan while driving to work, I can spend the hours I saved reading a book, or perhaps even masturbating.

Dreams don't just fall into your lap and come true, reader. You have to create them and make them work on your own. Like other intelligent people who have installed coffeemakers, Easy-Bake ovens, and George Foreman grills in their cars, I'm breaking new ground with this "commute tanning" idea. Call me crazy, or even call me stupid if you want, but I'll be the one laughing with all the extra free time I have. And I'll have the perfect tan, to boot.

Friday Drink Recipe. Back in the day, there were very few whores in Afghanistan. When Bush went in after 9/11 and neglected to finish the job, the warlords took over. Now there are no whores in Afghanistan at all. In loving memory of the whores that could have been had we kept a military presence there, this week's drink is the "Afghanistany Whore".

4 oz. rum
4 oz. vodka
Root beer

Mix to taste. We need more whores, people. We just need more of them.

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Reader Comments

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madfaerie101@yahoo.com               Michelle      May 17, 2004 • 11:06pm   ever think about just walking instead of the week by week process you can just get it all at one time dUH!!! Victoria      Apr 22, 2004 • 5:45pm   Hmmm.... lindzi      Apr 10, 2004 • 12:17am   If only the tanning process took that less of time nobody would complain about being a ghost! Kat      Jan 3, 2004 • 9:13pm   Yeah... Lots of bugs in your teeth... Good luck with that... That was a good episode of Mr. Bean though. I forgot about that. zam      Sep 6, 2003 • 12:41am   Mr Bean had that car he drove with a mop and string...he could've gotten a tan. Although no one wants to see a British guy naked. Bec      Sep 5, 2003 • 6:02am   Doesn't Mr. Bean give some lessons on odd driving styles?

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