Let's make Ian our scapegoat

There are a lot of bad things in this world. Some happen randomly, while others are plotted. Some are related to politics, while others are related to our personal lives and families. When something bad happens, there's only one thing that makes people feel better: having someone to blame it on.

But many times, we don't have anyone to blame bad things on. If your car breaks down, your goldfish dies, or your grandmother spontaneously implodes, there's no scapegoat to ease your pain. Well, maybe you could blame God, but it's not like you can punch Him in the face.

Other times, especially with bad things in the political world, there are people to blame, but it's impossible to yell at them or light flaming bags of feces on their doorstep, because they're unapproachable public figures.

As usual, we here at Daily Ramblings are providing you with a solution. Using very sophisticated scientific data and thousands of hours of research, we have found a "universal scapegoat" who we can blame for everything that goes wrong in the world. This person's name is Ian Talty. Of course, Ian isn't actually responsible for the bad things that happen in life, but that doesn't mean we can't still blame him for them.

From now on, Ian's sole purpose in life will be taking your physical and verbal abuse. While he doesn't know this yet, and may be a bit hesitant to take your abuse at first, our testing shows that with time, any person's spirit can be broken. Soon, Ian will succumb to his new role in life, and will respond to your abuse only by curling into the fetal position and micturating in his britches.

Feel free to blame Ian for everything. For instance, if your daughter gets pregnant because our president's idiotic "abstinence only" sex education plan didn't teach her about condoms, call Ian on the phone and scream at him until he agrees to send your daughter regular child support payments.

If your Internet Service Provider is down, and you're unable to visit your favorite pornography websites, go to Ian's house, ring the doorbell, and beat him in the face with an aluminum baseball bat.

Did your favorite sports team lose the big game? Pack your suitcase, move your things into Ian's house, and stay there for a full week, beating him unmercifully multiple times daily. While you're there, also feel free to steal his food and beverages, vandalize his possessions, and use his toilet without flushing afterwards.

Perhaps nothing bad has happened to you lately, but you just enjoy abusing people. Grab some index cards, write out a variety of questions that no sane person could ever answer (example: "Guess the object in New Jersey which I am thinking of"), go to Ian's house, and ask him each of the hundreds of impossible-to-answer questions you wrote. Penalize him for every wrong answer by punching him in the trachea.

Traffic jams, inflation, puberty, bestiality, unsanitary gas station restrooms, chronic bedwetting, tax hikes, divorces, multiple sclerosis, excessive back hair, communism, bad breath, earthquakes, the herpes virus, cold weather, hot weather, moderate weather, Ann Coulter books, stale potato chips, hangovers, N'SYNC albums, scurvy, homelessness, gingivitis, bad movies, spontaneously imploding grandmothers, diarrhea from bad chili, menopause, sunburn, poor grades, daylight savings time, the death of Shel Silverstein, poorly-written ramblings columns, and impotence: all these things (and more) are Ian Talty's fault.

Now that America has a scapegoat, let's be sure to use it. Otherwise, with the economy the way it is and budget cuts slashing jobs left and right, it might not be long before Ian Talty is forced to live on the street. Then you probably wouldn't even be able to find him, let alone blame him for all your problems. After a while living on the streets, someone might find Ian Talty laying dead in a gutter. Then there would be no scapegoat for anyone. Use it while you have the privilege, reader. BLAME HIM NOW.

Perverted Poll. Go vote now. If you don't, you'll just waste more of your day working, and nobody likes that.

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