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Pay $20 to be called by a loser ...................Paul Ryan
Well, now the Internet can help you with all those problems except the salsa diarrhea one. Welcome to www.hollywoodiscalling.com, a place where you can pay your hard-earned money to get Todd Bridges or a variety of other mediocre b-list celebrities to call you. Hey, remember the guy who played Arnold Horshack on "Welcome Back Kotter"? Neither do I! But if you want, he'll call you! Hey, remember hearing about that astronaut, Rick Searfoss, going into space? Of course you fucking don't! But he'll call you if you pay him! Would you like to hear from one of the cast members of "B.J. and the Bear"? No? Well that's too bad, because he's available to call people today. What about the guy who wrote the song "My Sharona"? Not in a million years? Well, that's too bad, because he's also available to call you today. What about the other guy who helped write the song "My Sharona"? No? Well Christ, don't you want to live life to the fullest? Seriously though, Todd Bridges, the guy who played Willis on "Diff'rent Strokes", is the best celebrity on here. It's freakin' pathetic. But perhaps there's some added benefit that makes his call worth $19.95, or his "personalized message" call worth $29.95. Apparently, on the personalized one, he'll say whatever you want him to. This presumably would include the phrase "What you talkin' bout, Willis?" and "Hi, my name is Todd Bridges, and I once killed a man for a rock of crack." It's not like it would be the first time he's said that second phrase. I was also surprised to find the Barbi Twins listed on the site. What are they, 90 years old? Do they put in their false teeth before talking to you? The picture of them on the site is pretty dated, and even in that picture they look old. Why would anyone pay $19.95 to be called by the Barbi Twins when they could get real phone sex for that price? But hey, if you're a baseball fan, you could have the privilege of receiving a call from former major league pitcher Tom Candiotti. If he allows you to ask him questions, you might be able to find out what it was like spending 16 years in the majors not doing anything memorable. Ever. I'm sure he'll allow you to ask him questions. If he's on that website, he's gotta be pretty lonely. Anyway, I was perusing through the terms of service for this website, and I found a few things that, um, bothered me a little:
The client agrees to leave their answering machine and/or voicemail on 24 hours a day as the celebrity may call at any time of day or night. So does that mean Todd Bridges may not even really talk to me? He just randomly calls at some unknown time, and if you're not there then too bad? That sucks! But then again, this may also mean that Todd Bridges will call me at 3 am while on a drunken binge. Awesome.
The purchaser agrees to notify the client of the celebrity call they are about to receive prior to actually placing the order, so that the client doesn't mistake it for a prank call and hang up prematurely. So if I order a Todd Bridges call as a gift for my dad on his birthday, I would have to ruin the surprise by telling my dad beforehand? What the hell. Honestly, why doesn't Todd Bridges just go over to my parents' house and meet them in person? It's not like that loser has anything better to do.
If a client behaves rudely or inappropriately or submits a customized message that the celebrity or Hollywood Is Calling deems to be impolite, offensive, rude, or inappropriate in any way then the celebrity and/or Hollywood Is Calling reserves the right to hang up the call or replace the message with one in which the celebrity simply wishes the client well. No refunds will be made under such circumstances. Damn. Damn, damn, damn!
I guess I have no choice, though. I mean, where else am I going to find a celebrity call service that offers "Happy Halloween", "Happy marital engagement", and "Congratulations on being employee of the month" call packages? Nowhere, that's where.
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Have you ever sat at home, lonely, eating salsa until you feel like your ass is going to explode like a pinata filled with red, chunky excrement? Have you ever fallen asleep watching old episodes of "Diff'rent Strokes", and woken up wishing you had really met Todd Bridges? Have you ever sat staring at the phone, wondering to yourself, "Why doesn't Todd Bridges ever call?"
