|
I refuse to write a 9/11 column ...................Paul Ryan
I'm not going to spend today's column talking about 9/11, because chances are you've already heard, seen, or been involuntarily exposed to a story like mine about 500 times today already. So while it is the second anniversary of 9/11, instead of telling sad stories and feeling bad, like a person feeling defeated might, I'm going to talk about pizza. Why? Because we're Americans, damnit, and pizza is a hell of a lot more important than a group of terroristic dickheads in turbans. So to hell with them. Bring on the pizza.
Nevertheless, today I will order from Domino's. In fact, I will order three pizzas from Domino's. This can only mean one thing: it's the "welcome back students" $3.99 special. You get a medium (small) pepperoni pizza that's been sitting around for hours delivered to your door by a guy who really, really hates the "welcome back students" special. The service is terrible, the pizza is cold, and everything tastes like crap, but it's cheap and slightly edible, so I'm all over it. I may be a young, swinging bachelor with a high-paying job* and a way with the ladies**, but that doesn't mean I don't still have the instincts of a college student. You can offer me a pizza with dead rats on it for four dollars, and I'll buy it, just as long as I can pick the rats off before I eat it.
*Within the poverty-level income bracket
So I'll be ordering three of these awful pizzas, and they will provide the nourishment I need to stay alive over the next three or four days. Pizza for lunch, pizza for dinner, and pizza for snacks in between meals. If I run out of cereal or milk, then it's pizza for breakfast as well. Just to clarify, pizza for breakfast is different than pizza for lunch or dinner, because you eat cold pizza for breakfast. At lunch or dinner, you heat the pizza up. That qualifies breakfast pizza as a completely different food. If I run out of butter, I will use grease from the pizza boxes as a substitute. If I run out of soap, I will shower with slices of pizza to give myself a "freshly baked" aroma. If I run out of things to do and get bored, I'll use the pizza boxes to make a small fort. I will use the fort to do all the things I normally spend my time doing, except I'll be doing these things in the fort, which will make them that much cooler. Someday I will purchase a couch for my apartment, at which point I will be able to extend the fort. Ahh, yes. The future shall be bright. In conclusion, if the terrorists think they've won, they're wrong. America still has sub-par pizza for $3.99, which is much better than lamb's dong, or whatever terrorists hiding in caves eat.
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
I'm not going to write a 9/11 column today. I could if I wanted. I could talk about how I was in college at the time, and I didn't have class until the afternoon, and how I woke up at 10 a.m. to a reporter on the radio talking about how "they are gathering horses, just in case vehicles can't get through". I could talk about how I didn't really understand what was happening, and how I thought the radio station was running sort of "War of the Worlds" style joke. I could talk about the feeling I had when I finally turned on the TV and saw the towers fall. But I won't.
