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The true death of John Ritter: a one-act play ...................Paul Ryan
ST. JOSEPH MEDICAL CENTER; BURBANK, CA John Ritter, the guy in "Three's Company" who didn't get any from the two hot women in eight years worth of episodes, lies on a hospital gurney, clutching his chest. Doctors and nurses rush to get him to the operating table in time. Dr. Hernando: This is no heart attack. This man was stabbed to death. Nurse Wang: But doctor. His aorta is clearly torn. Dr. Hernando: Do you think those things just tear on their own? By the marks on his aorta, it's clear to me that it was torn with a plastic spork. Nurse Wang: How can you be so sure, doctor? Dr. Hernando: Wang, a spork is a utensil like no other. Not quite a spoon, yet not quite a fork, the marks left by this utensil are very noticeable. If I know anything about spork fatalities - and I'd like to think I do - I'd say this is definitely a nasty one. INSERT MUSIC.
ARBY'S RESTAURANT; VAN NUYS, CA Officer Duggins: What happened here today? Was there a fight? Fat Arby's Lady: Yeah, it was sick. I ain't seen such a huge fight in the ten years I've worked here, officer. Officer Duggins: My God, you're enormous. Why the hell are you so fat? Fat Arby's Lady: I like to eat the Arby's special sauce straight out of the bottle, officer. Officer Duggins: Well, cover your mouth while you're talking. I don't want to be sucked in if you get hungry. Now, what happened and who was involved? Fat Arby's Lady: John Ritter was eating here, like he always does on Thursdays, when some weirdo walked in. He had a huge head the size of a basketball. I think he was drunk. Officer Duggins: And what did the man with the enormous head do? Fat Arby's Lady: He went over and started bothering John Ritter. I thought he was asking for an autograph, but after a few minutes, they started yelling. The big-headed guy started screaming about how he was a big man, because he had a website on the Internet. Then the big-headed guy asked John Ritter if he had a website. That's when they started fighting. 'Cause John Ritter has a TV show and all, but he's not cool enough to have his own website. That's big time player stuff. Officer Duggins: Did the man with the watermelon-sized head stab John Ritter? Fat Arby's Lady: I dunno. They tumbled out the door and around the corner, so I couldn't see what happened. Next thing I knew, I heard ambulances coming. Officer Duggins: I'm going to ask you a question, and this is very important, okay? Did you at any time give this jumbo-headed man a spork? Fat Arby's Lady: No, we don't have sporks at Arby's. INSERT MUSIC.
DUMPSTER COREY FELDMAN LIVES IN; VAN NUYS, CA Officer Duggins: Hello, Mr. Feldman. I understand you saw the fight between John Ritter and another man on Thursday. I heard it happened right by this dumpster of yours. Corey Feldman: Hey, remember when I was in "The Goonies"? I played the funny kid. Officer Duggins: Cut the crap, Feldman! Quit stalling! Corey Feldman: They were going to make "The Goonies 2: Return of Gooner", but the guy who played Sloth wanted too much money. Hey, wanna go watch "License to Drive"? Officer Duggins: (Turns away in disgust) That's it. I see I'm not going to get any information out of you. Officer Duggins puts on brass knuckles and punches Feldman in the groin. Feldman screams, and tries to climb back into his dumpster. Officer Duggins throws him against the side of the Arby's restaurant, and punches him in the back of the neck. Feldman falls to the ground with a broken neck, and dies instantly. A package of plastic utensils fall out of his pocket. Officer Duggins checks the package, and finds the knives, forks, and spoons all there. The sporks are mysteriously missing. Officer Duggins puts the evidence into a plastic bag before having sex with Feldman's dead body. INSERT MUSIC.
DAILY RAMBLINGS HEADQUARTERS; LA CROSSE, WI Paul Ryan is sitting at his chair, wearing a hooded sweatshirt with the words, "What we need more of is science" printed on it. He leans to the side, farts loudly, and smiles approvingly.
ABE VIGODA HEADQUARTERS; NEW YORK, NY Abe Vigoda is sitting in a children's wading pool in his backyard, reading the latest issue of Highlights magazine for children. He leans to the side, tries to fart but poops his pants, and smiles approvingly.
OFFICER DUGGINS' HOUSE; LOS ANGELES, CA Officer Duggins is sitting on the toilet, eating apple cinnamon oatmeal. He leans to the side, drops a load in the toilet, and grimaces as the toilet water splashes him. "I wonder when the Olsen Twins turn 18," he thinks to himself.
ST. JOSEPH MEDICAL CENTER; BURBANK, CA John Ritter lies in a hospital bed, on life support. He looks like he could die at any moment. The doctors have opted to wait to operate until Entertainment Tonight is over. Dr. Hernando sits beside him, watching the show on television. Dr. Hernando: Hey, do you know when the Olsen Twins turn 18? John Ritter: Help . . . me . . . Dr. Hernando: Me neither. Do you think they'll pose naked for Playboy? I'd like to see Ashley nude, but I'm not so sure about Mary Kate. She's too young for my tastes. Ashley's two minutes older, so I'm all for seeing her. John Ritter: My . . . aorta . . . ackk! Dr. Hernando: Which one of them do you think has bigger boobs? John Ritter: Ackk! Paul . . . Ryan . . . Dr. Hernando: Paul Ryan? That incredibly famous and ruggedly handsome and charming Daily Ramblings guy? I don't think his boobs are any bigger. He's probably a low A-cup. John Ritter: Keep . . . away from . . . Kaley Cuoco . . . gurgle . . . ackkkkk! Ritter dies as the credits for Entertainment Tonight begin to roll. Dr. Hernando: Wow, he's dead. I guess we should have operated sooner. Oh well. I still get paid. What was it he said before he died? Something about Kaley Cuoco? Isn't she that hot blonde chick on his new "8 Simple Rules For Dating My Daughter" show? Just then, Paul Ryan burst into the room with a spork in his hand. All the spork's prongs were broken off, and it looked more like a spoon. Dried blood nearly covered the broken plastic utensil. Paul Ryan took one look at John Ritter and lunged at him with the spork. Paul Ryan: Give me Kaley Cuoco's address, you son of a bitch! Officer Duggins runs in the door, gun drawn. He hesitates at first, seeing Ryan has a weapon, but once he realizes it's only a broken spork, he takes aim. Officer Duggins: Hold it right there! Get off him or I'll shoot! Paul Ryan: Oh, you will, huh?!? My best friend Corey Feldman hooked me up with more of these! Ryan tosses away the spork, and pulls a new spork from his pocket. Officer Duggins: Look out! He's got a fresh spork! Officer Duggins drops his gun and puts his hands in the air. He wets himself with fear. Just then, Bob Sagat walks in the door, cocks his .44 magnum, and blows Paul's head clean off. Dr. Hernando: Wow! You're . . . you're a hero! Bob Sagat: It was just a spork. Christ. Officer Duggins: How did you know we were in trouble? Bob Sagat: I didn't. I was just in the area, walking the hallways of the hospital with my gun, like always. I find it relaxing. Hey, Entertainment Tonight is on! Have they said when the Olsen Twins are going to turn 18? Those girls are totally hot! INSERT MUSIC.
Updated today: Perverted Poll
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