Holy crap! I'm freakin' tired!

Remember when you were a little kid, and your parents forced you to go to bed at 8 p.m.? You'd always wake up early on Saturday mornings to watch cartoons, because by 6 a.m. you would've already had 10 hours of sleep. Sometimes you'd wake up even earlier than that, and you'd be mad because the cartoons didn't start until 6, and the only thing on TV was infomercials.

I never wanted to go to bed at 8 p.m. I always wanted to stay up late. I didn't care what I did while I was up, I just wanted to stay up. My parents could have made me do their taxes and I probably would have done it, just so I could stay up to see what the nighttime was like.

Of course, my parents would have been immediately audited and sent to prison because of my poor math skills, but that's what happens when you let your preteen child talk you into letting him do your taxes, you lazy bastard.

Anyway, to get back to my main point, I'm no longer a little kid. I'm 24 years old. But I would honestly and sincerely like nothing more in this world than to be able to go to bed at 8 p.m. I'm tired. I worked huge shifts all through the weekend to cover the annual festival in our town, and now I'm working day and night to get all the coverage into writing while still completing my regular reporter duties.

I started work Monday at 8 a.m., and I'll continue working until midnight. The only break I'll take is to write this column. Well, actually, I had two breaks earlier to take a leak, but that only counts as a break if you work at Walmart. They have a guy there with a stopwatch who docks your paycheck for each second you urinate. If you have to take a dump, he docks you for each individual square of toilet paper you use. It's ironic, because Walmart encourages hand washing and overall cleanliness, yet the only way to take a crap without losing half your paycheck is to wipe your ass with your hands and run out the door without washing them.

Okay, so maybe I made all that up. Maybe.

It's sad when the biggest thing you have to look forward to is sleeping. I haven't had a weekend off in the past month, and the thought of a Saturday or Sunday when I don't have to get up early turns me on more than the Anna Kournikova poster hanging in my room. That's not only pathetic, it's just plain wrong.

On top of that, I can't even drink to forget my troubles or calm my nerves after a long day of work. Maybe I should take a job working in a coal mine. Sure, my life expectancy would drop to 32 years, no insurance carrier would cover me, and working would be similar to being imprisoned in darkness and silence for 12 hours a day, but at least I could come home at night and get totally freakin' wasted. Nobody would bother me if they smelled booze on me in the morning, and any extra work I did at home wouldn't be affected by my heavy drinking. It would be, um . . . uh . . .

You know, never mind what I said before. There's no way getting a full night's sleep turns me on more than that. She's freakin' hot.

10/5 column rating (1 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

Noel      Sep 28, 2003 • 7:11pm   I love Paul Mike      Sep 25, 2003 • 2:30am   Once again, I apologize for my mom (liz)being proud that she's an old fart who reads this crap. She wont admit it, but she gets about 2 hours of sleep each night and watches TV the whole time. Katers      Sep 23, 2003 • 1:50pm   You'll have plenty of time to sleep when you're dead. That's the thought that gets me through 12 hour days. Liz      Sep 23, 2003 • 10:33am   infomercials? When I was a kid we had nothing to watch before 7 a.m. but a test pattern, on all three Channels! Clone32      Sep 23, 2003 • 3:50am   I have to agree completely. Halfway through work all I want is a cot and some apple juice with grahm crackers...mmm food..zzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzz...Anna Kor..zzz

page:   1