I did not clog up the toilet at work

Dear employees of The Newspaper - which employs me,

You may have noticed upon returning from lunch that the office toilet is clogged. I'd like to be first to inform you that I in no way had anything to do with that. I realize some of you may suspect me, since I was the only person in the office while you were all at lunch. One might even go so far as to accuse me of clogging it. But I am innocent, and will prove myself so.

You see, toilets have problems from time to time which make them appear to be clogged, when they're actually broken. Toilets often break by chance, instead of by being crammed full of vile products from a person's anus. Our office's toilet is fairly modern, but even newer products can have defects. So while I was the only person in the office, and while some of you remember seeing me tilting from side to side in my chair earlier today, exclaiming, "Oh my God, I have to take the biggest dump", the odds still point to the toilet breaking on its own.

Some of you may decide to investigate further in the bathroom, and will notice the brown streaks in the toilet bowl. While it would appear those streaks were made by poopies, it's probably just rust. Some of you may counter my point by saying the bathroom also smells like poopies. For that, I would blame Florence, the secretary. She may be 84 years old, but the toxic fecal mound she dropped in the bathroom this morning had enough stench to suffocate a small animal. I can only assume it was the product of many bowel movements kept over a period of days in her adult diaper, and deposited in the office toilet in one large, stinky payload this morning.

Of course, that's not to say "my shit don't stink", as the old cliche goes. But I can assure you my poopies are lightly scented, and give off only a hint of the smell of last night's dinner being slung out my rectum. Plus, I always use the brown hand towel in the employee restroom instead of toilet paper, to get maximum cleanliness while wiping. If I didn't have a horrific bit of flatulence building up right now, I'd invite each of you to eat food off my ass, or to lean in close and see your reflection in it.

But we've wandered from the topic at hand, which is what happened to the toilet. There's one theory I believe we've overlooked. It's possible - and has been proven by science - that a toilet can be clogged without someone knowing it. For instance, if Florence used the bathroom before leaving for lunch, her enormous turd could have become lodged in the pipe halfway through, making the toilet seem fine when it's really clogged. Then, when someone like me drops a modest-sized kid in the pool, they look like the perpetrator when they're really just the victim of Florence's fecal magic act.

Some of you are noting the fresh poop on the toilet seat, and are claiming it as incriminating evidence against me. I can assure you that with the warmth left on a toilet seat after use, stray poop can keep fresh for hours. Luckily, I take up only a small corner of the toilet seat during use, and was therefore able to avoid the dirty surprise left by Florence, the office diarrhea camel.

So you see, I clearly couldn't have clogged the toilet. I'm not going to point any fingers, but I think we all know it was Florence. Yes, Florence is the only one who could've clogged the toilet. I think we all know she's the only one here who's full of shit.

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