Is blaspheme a religion? That would be neat

If there's one thing in this world I know nothing about, it's religion. The most I know about church is they ring loud bells on Sunday morning that wake me up in time for FOX's football pregame show. But other than that, I'm clueless.

That's why I don't make fun of religion very often in this column. Making fun of such a thing requires some sort of knowledge of the different religions, so I have no material. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to run out and buy the Bible just to get new comedy material (especially when I could just steal one from a cheap motel). Even if I did read the Bible, I doubt I'd come out of it with a full repertoire of sheep herder jokes and comedy skits about lepers. It's not like the Bible has a knock-knock jokes section in the back.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Judas.

Judas who?

Ju-das not read the bible, they read the Torah.

(rim-shot)

Do Jews read the bible? Hell if I know. That's why I don't make jokes about religion.

Also, because - as you can tell from that joke - I'm freakin' terrible at it. It's the worst material I've ever thought up, and that includes the vaudeville column I wrote last year. Actually, wait a second. I think I just thought up a worse joke:

A priest walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Are you sure you're in the right place? All the fellas here are over 21."

(rim-shot)

There goes my sponsorship from the Promise Keepers. Bill Bennett will probably stay on, though. He pays me in poker chips, though, which kind of irks me.

See? That's the best religious joke I can come up with, and it's not even really about religion. It's about some douchebag who was in the news months ago. As I said, I'm just not a religion joke guy. But I've had at least three people this week tell me jokes that require some sort of knowledge of the Bible. When they delivered the punchline, I couldn't help but just stare blankly at them.

Is this some new form of recruitment for Christianity, where you tell people jokes that require cliff notes from the new testament, and that way people read the Bible just so they'll understand the joke? That's like putting a really cool prize in a box of poop-flavored oat bran.

Is "new testament" capitalized? Jesus Christ, how should I know? I'm blasphemous, I don't know these things.

Either way, these people need to find new jokes instead of hassling me with ones that require me to become enlightened. I don't want to become enlightened. Why can't everyone just accept the fact that my family is deeply satanic, and we spend Sunday mornings performing rituals in the forest (also included: donkey rides and Lucifer-style party mix)?

Okay, so I lied. My family isn't really satanic. We are blasphemous, though, which is fun. At least blasphemous jokes are ones everyone can understand.

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Reader Comments

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Jesus      Oct 3, 2003 • 3:27am   Im a Jesus....hi America's Scapegoat      Oct 2, 2003 • 4:14pm   Aw bloody hell. jen      Oct 2, 2003 • 2:19pm   sorry, ian, but all the reasons organized religion sucks can actually be found in your sock drawer... all annoying rhetoric, including any xtian rhetoric which is annoying, is your fault. America's Scapegoat      Oct 2, 2003 • 1:19pm   Your priest joke damn near made me spit coffee onto my keyboard. Well done, Sir! I like a good laugh in the morning. bec      Oct 2, 2003 • 5:32am   This was quite an interesting column Bible is always capitalized (even in the AP stylebook)...New Testament usually is. By the way, Jesus was Jewish, but most of the Jewish community believe He was a historical figure, not the Messiah. I hope that wasn't too preachy!

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