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The adventures of Social Anxiety Disorder Man ...................Paul Ryan
RIDING THE BUS The bus stops and Social Anxiety Disorder Man gets on. He puts his coins in the slot and sits in a seat by himself, staring nervously out the window, refusing to make eye contact with the other passengers. A fat, drunken man comes and sits beside him. Drunkard: Hey buddy! I love you, man! SADM: I am riding on a bus. Social Anxiety Disorder Man pulls the stop cord on the bus. Bus driver:You just got on, mac. Why are you pulling the cord already? Drunkard: I love you, man! Stop lookin' out the window and shake my hand! Buddies shake hands! We're buddies! SADM: I am riding on a bus. Social Anxiety Disorder Man pulls the stop cord on the bus again. Bus driver: Would you stop pulling the damn cord?!? It's not a toy! Drunkard: I said gimme a handshake! You're my buddy! Buddies forever, right buddy? Yee-haw! The drunkard slaps Social Anxiety Disorder Man on the back. Social Anxiety Disorder Man starts tugging on the stop cord frantically. SADM: I AM RIDING ON A BUS! Drunkard: You're my buddy! Give me a hug, buddy! As the drunkard tries to give Social Anxiety Disorder Man a giant bear hug, Social Anxiety Disorder Man dives through the window, breaking the glass, and lands on the street.
WORKING AT AN INFORMATION BOOTH Man: Hello, could you tell me where . . . SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! STOP LOOKING AT ME! Man: Do you work here? SADM: Yes, I do. Man: Then could you tell me . . . SADM: Excuse me, are you talking to me? Man: Yes, I was . . . SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! STOP IT!!!!!!!
ALONE IN A SMALL ROOM WITH A TANGERINE SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! STOP LOOKING AT ME! The tangerine does not respond. SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! GET AWAY FROM ME! The tangerine does not respond. Social Anxiety Disorder Man looks confused. He looks around to make sure no one else is watching, and slowly reaches over and pokes the tangerine with his finger. SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! STOP TOUCHING ME!
PARTICIPATING IN AN ORGY Social Anxiety Disorder Man sheepishly walks in the room where the orgy is taking place. He is dressed in multiple layers of clothing, and is wearing rubber gloves. A woman approaches him. Woman: Hello, and welcome! Social Anxiety Disorder Man punches her in the boob as hard as he can, and cowers in a corner, screaming. SADM: GET AWAY FROM ME! A man approaches, concerned. Man: No, no. There's no S&M allowed here. This is a friendly, safe orgy. Social Anxiety Disorder Man puts on a golf shoe and kicks the man in the groin as hard as he can. Then he runs back into the corner. SADM: STOP TRYING TO TOUCH ME! A transsexual approaches, smiling. Transsexual: I like it rough, cowboy! Social Anxiety Disorder Man stops for a moment, obviously confused. Acting quickly, he kicks the transsexual in the groin, and then punches the transsexual in the boob, just in case. SADM: AAAAHHHHH!! GET AWAY FROM ME, WO-MANWHORE! A talking monkey wearing a tuxedo, top hat, and spectacles approaches. He removes his spectacles, and looks over Social Anxiety Disorder Man before speaking. Monkey: I dare say, you seem to be a bit of an ass, don't you? SADM: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! STOP TALKING TO ME!! EAT THIS, DAMN DIRTY MONKEY! AAAAHHHHHHHHHH! Social Anxiety Disorder Man tackles the monkey and stabs him repeatedly in the eye with a fountain pen. He grabs the top hat and runs out the door, leaving the fountain pen firmly lodged in the monkey's eye socket. Outside, a man approaches Social Anxiety Disorder Man on the sidewalk. Man: That's a lovely top hat you have there. SADM: AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!! STOP TALKING TO ME!!
1 oz. gin
Mix the liquor in a glass, then fill it with soda water and top it off with grenadine and a cherry garnish. This is the sort of wonderful drink recipe that makes me wish I had cherry brandy. Or sour mix. Or soda water. Or gin. I do have grenadine, though, for some unknown reason.
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