We would like to retract some statements

We here at Daily Ramblings would like to apologize for our recent content. In the past week, there have been many rude and outright disgusting columns printed here. This is certainly not the type of content that made us the winner of two 700 Club "Morality You Can Shake A Stick At" awards and three "Farthest Thing From A Burlesque Show" awards from Grandmothering Magazine Quarterly.

The only explanation for our recent foul content is the schizophrenia of Paul Ryan, author of the columns. Staff members at Daily Ramblings have been concerned about him as of late, and have noticed his moodiness, complete lack of personal hygiene, and increased enjoyment of bowel movement humor and jokes about male appendages.

We here in the Daily Ramblings inquisition management have worked out a deal with Big Brother the federal government to have Mr. Ryan kept under lock and key until he recovers. At the moment, he is undergoing treatment at Gundersen-Lutheran Hospital in La Crosse, Wis. for mental retardation. Doctors say they've "loaded him up with lots of prescription drugs" and are "having fun messing with him; man look at how wasted he is."

In the meantime, today's column will be filled with retractions from the offensive columns. These retractions will be enjoyable for all, and you will love them so much that you'll scream for more. Anyone who doesn't find this column enjoyable can contact us here in the Daily Ramblings inquisition management at 612-827-5444.

• In the Social Anxiety Man column, a fictitious woman was punched in the boob. We here at Daily Ramblings have heard this type of attack is very painful, and although we will never experience it because we can barely even fill our official Daily Ramblings training bra, we apologize for putting bad ideas in the heads of the four people who actually read this column.
• In the Social Anxiety Man column, a fictitious man was kicked in the groin with a golf shoe. We here at Daily Ramblings have been kicked in the groin before, and find it a rather unpleasant experience. We have not, however, been kicked in the groin with a golf shoe. It was our curiosity of what that would feel like that led us to make the "kicked in the groin with a golf shoe" joke. We assumed that such an act would be hilarious. We were wrong, and we apologize.
• In the Social Anxiety Man column, a transgendered person was both punched in the boob and kicked in the groin. We still find this joke funny.
• In the Social Anxiety Man column, a fictional talking monkey was blinded in one eye with a fountain pen. We here at Daily Ramblings realize that in real life, talking monkeys should be cherished, not abused, especially well-dressed ones.
• In the column about Paul's operation, a reference was made to taking Paul out back and having a janitor perform a penis reduction operation with pinking shears. We apologize for the horrendous discomfort this comment caused our male readers. Scissors would have been bad enough, but the thought of pinking shears, with their sharp little jagged jaws, is totally uncalled for.
• We'd now like to apologize for the retraction we just made, which made our male readers revisit that horrible vision, and possibly even pointed it out to readers who hadn't thought about it much when reading the column about Paul's operation.
• Getting back to the column about Paul's operation, we'd just like to make things easier for ourselves by apologizing for everything in the column about Paul's operation. No, really. Everything. Every line. That column was just wrong. Though I'm sure Paul will think up something worse to print within the week.

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