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Must . . . delete . . . stolen . . . files . . . ...................Paul Ryan
There is one problem with us updating our computers, though. Not everyone here knows enough about computers to update their own, so a specialist will be brought in today (code-named "Thursday") to update all the computers. Since I'm writing today's column on Wednesday, that means I must somehow find and delete all the inappropriate content from my work computer by tomorrow. Oh boy. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I have anything dirty on my computer. There's no naked pictures of Bea Arthur or home movies of Macaulay Culkin during his stay at Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch. But being a bit of a computer dork (code-named "Loser"), I have some programs that are, shall we say, "not registered properly". (using best John Lovitz voice) Yeah, that's the ticket. Not registered properly. Yeahhhh . . . Ha ha! Come on, people. It's not like I stole them off the Internet, forged the serial number, and have been enjoying them as if I purchased them. No, no! Far from it! Where would you get an idea like that?!? Ha ha! Stop looking at me! I'm just worried about whether I registered them properly. Can't a man worry about things without people getting suspicious? Why are you here, anyway?? Who said you could read this website?!? I certainly didn't! Get out! How dare you come here and accuse me of stealing software! Oh, you didn't accuse me of that? You didn't say anything about stolen software? Oh. Well never mind then. I think I have a copy of that old game "Dope Wars" somewhere on here, but I'm not sure where I put it. I know I hid it somewhere, and I have to find the hiding place before the specialist does tomorrow. And the specialist will find it if I don't. Computer specialists are supposed to just update the software, but since that's incredibly boring, they like to snoop around through all your files. Filthy wankers. Then, if the specialist finds something not related to work on your computer, he smiles wider than Ronald McDonald after a BJ from the Hamburglar (code-named "Robble Robble Gobble"), and tattles on you. It's like the entire world of computer specialists take advice from Lucianne Goldberg or something. Will anyone get that Lucianne Goldberg joke, or even recognize her name? Probably not. Luckily, I doubt the specialist will either when he finds this column during his snooping tomorrow.
Anyway, it's time to get going. I have to delete the rest of this crap from my work computer. If you see an article in a newspaper this week about a guy getting fired for having swimsuit pictures of Mrs. Garret from "The Facts of Life" on his hard drive, it wasn't me.
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Tomorrow is a big day for The Newspaper
- which employs me - because we're updating our computers to the latest operating system, OS X.2 (code-named "Jaguar"). Of course, the next version of the operating system, X.3 (code-named "Panther"), comes out in two weeks, but businesses aren't concerned with crazy things like "what's happening in two weeks". Either way, I'm just happy to finally be able to update to the latest versions of programs.
