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Every day I open my mailbox to find credit card offers and deals on new car financing that are "offered ONLY for University of Wisconsin-Superior graduates". I don't mind those so much, as I usually take the prepaid return envelopes from the credit card offers, fill them up with my other junk mail, and send them back to piss off the credit card people. But the ones that really make me roll my eyes are the fake form letters from my university's chancellor, saying how the university desperately needs my money to keep the place going. Yeah, right. I guess the state funding, federal funding, and ridiculously high tuition that keeps going up every year just isn't enough. What would you call it when a university that sends the average graduate out with 5-10 years of debt writes those graduates a letter one month into their student loan payments, asking them to give more money? I'd call it irony, or perhaps sadism. Maybe masochism? I think that one applies more to sexual things, though. What the heck, let's go with masochism just so we can make this column sound a little sexier. Anyway, this weekend I received what I thought was another fake form letter from the chancellor asking for donations. In fact, it turned out to be a more personal letter apologizing for spelling errors in the last fake form letter. It was still a mass-produced letter with my name stuck on top, but now I have reason to ridicule them. Here's the letter:
 "I have taken steps to ensure this does not happen again." A sentence like that makes me think they're in the basement of the administration building right now, beating a secretary with an aluminum baseball bat for mistyping the letter. I also have a vague image of the chancellor storming through the business office, thrashing people as he releases a string of profanity not heard since the Tourette's Syndrome Sufferers' Convention of 1987. After musing for a while of ways I could increase the embarrassment of my university, I decided to print up my own fake form letter from the chancellor, and post it here as if it were legitimate. To avoid legalities and possible angry rants, I will not be calling the university to complain about this letter. Here's what I came up with:
Updated today: Perverted Poll
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Believe it or not, I once graduated from college. While many of you probably think of me as some sort of mentally retarded, passive-aggressive hermit, I am indeed an educated man. And what has my hard-earned and expensive degree gotten me? Non-stop junk mail and donation requests from my college.
