The university needs donations, but all I can give them is sarcasm
original print date, October 13 2003
..... ...................Paul Ryan
Believe it or not, I once graduated from college. While many of you probably think of me as some sort of mentally retarded, passive-aggressive hermit, I am indeed an educated man. And what has my hard-earned and expensive degree gotten me? Non-stop junk mail and donation requests from my college.
Every day I open my mailbox to find credit card offers and deals on new car financing that are "offered ONLY for University of Wisconsin-Superior graduates". I don't mind those so much, as I usually take the prepaid return envelopes from the credit card offers, fill them up with my other junk mail, and send them back to piss off the credit card people.
But the ones that really make me roll my eyes are the fake form letters from my university's chancellor, saying how the university desperately needs my money to keep the place going. Yeah, right. I guess the state funding, federal funding, and ridiculously high tuition that keeps going up every year just isn't enough. What would you call it when a university that sends the average graduate out with 5-10 years of debt writes those graduates a letter one month into their student loan payments, asking them to give more money? I'd call it irony, or perhaps sadism. Maybe masochism? I think that one applies more to sexual things, though. What the heck, let's go with masochism just so we can make this column sound a little sexier.
Anyway, this weekend I received what I thought was another fake form letter from the chancellor asking for donations. In fact, it turned out to be a more personal letter apologizing for spelling errors in the last fake form letter. It was still a mass-produced letter with my name stuck on top, but now I have reason to ridicule them. Here's the letter:
"I have taken steps to ensure this does not happen again." A sentence like that makes me think they're in the basement of the administration building right now, beating a secretary with an aluminum baseball bat for mistyping the letter. I also have a vague image of the chancellor storming through the business office, thrashing people as he releases a string of profanity not heard since the Tourette's Syndrome Sufferers' Convention of 1987.
After musing for a while of ways I could increase the embarrassment of my university, I decided to print up my own fake form letter from the chancellor, and post it here as if it were legitimate. To avoid legalities and possible angry rants, I will not be calling the university to complain about this letter. Here's what I came up with:
Dear Paul:
It's alumni like you who keep the University of Wisconsin-Superior as successful as it is. And by successful, I of course mean profitable. It's essential that you continue to give to your university not only by being successful after graduation, but by sending us donations and nude photos of yourself.
Either of these gifts from you will be greatly appreciated. While it may seem odd for us to ask for nude self pictures in addition to donations, I can assure you that it's a legitimate way for us to make money. You see, if you're willing to donate nude self pictures, the university can sell them to various amateur pornography websites. One picture can bring anywhere from $4 to $250, depending on how ugly you are, or how fat your ass is.
At no point will your nude self pictures be passed around the office and laughed at, or kept by me for personal use. No, the only people spanking off to your pictures will be the thousands of gross, perverted old men who browse the Internet looking for free porn.
If you'd like to help your university even more, administration officials can set you up for a photo shoot with a "stud" or "fluffer", who will engage in more hardcore photos with you, which will bring the university even more funding. So send in donations and close-up photos of your crotch today, and help keep the University of Wisconsin-Superior the most Superior place of all to get an education!
Sincerely,
Julius Erlenbach, Chancellor
In closing, I'd like to laugh, do a little dance, and brag about how great it is that parody is fully protected by the first amendment. Woo-hoo!
Here's a thought - WHY DIDN'T THEY PROOFREAD THE LETTER BEFORE THEY SENT IT TO THOUSANDS OF ALUMNI???????? I mean, my goodness, proofread, people! It avoids embarassing conundrums such as this one. (Woohoo! Used a GRE word there!)
bec
Oct 13, 2003 • 3:02pm
Remind me why I went to UWS again?
Katers
Oct 13, 2003 • 1:20pm
I have a friend who graduated last spring, and he actually called me when he got his horribly misspelled letter so that we could laugh shamelessly over it. I think the University has a bit of a problem when they are spelling words like "student" and "Superior" wrong. I find it frightening that UWS cannot spell "Superior" correctly. Draw your own conclusions.
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Believe it or not, I once graduated from college. While many of you probably think of me as some sort of mentally retarded, passive-aggressive hermit, I am indeed an educated man. And what has my hard-earned and expensive degree gotten me? Non-stop junk mail and donation requests from my college.
