E-mails, comments, clarifications, and random complaints from readers

Holy poop in my sleeping bag, I have a lot of letters to answer lately. Unfortunately, it was deadline day at The Newspaper - which employs me - followed by a city council meeting, followed by theater practice. So I'm writing this column at 12:13 a.m. So I'm going to zip through all these letters as fast as possible.

Our first letter is from Mr. Mathis in Washington D.C. Mr. Mathis has a question for me.

You seem to have insight. Tell me, do you have time to share insight on people who mess up other people's lives because of their own mistakes?

No, I don't. BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

Our next letter is from Brian in Chicago, IL. Brian read my column on the movie "The Tuxedo", and was spared from renting it and being disappointed by not seeing Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs (it's a long story, so just read the column).

Thank you, Sir, for your article on Jennifer Love Hewitt's absence of nudity in THE TUXEDO. You spared me the trouble of renting the damn thing. Your review was honest and detailed, and I appreciate it. You should compile a "most wanted" list of actresses you'd most like to see naked.

Ha ha! Hey Brian, have you ever compiled a list of reasons why you don't have a girlfriend? I'll bet it would be the longest list ever! BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

Our next letter is from MM in Raleigh, NC. I've written a lot of columns about Blockbuster Video, and MM is a former Blockbuster employee. Unfortunately, instead of coming to terms with the truth and admitting Blockbuster sucks, MM chooses the path of denial. I'd also like to point out that MM used to work at Blockbuster, and now he/she/it is searching Google for Blockbuster-related material. That's just sad, MM.

In case you haven't yet figured it out, failing to pay Blockbuster late fees *will* affect your credit record. You can whine all you want, but it would be most prudent for you to just pay the damn money.

Oh no! You mean the $6 I owe them is now on my permanent record?!? Now I'll never be able to get that car loan, or buy my dreamhouse. Wait, yes I will, because no bank in the world gives a rat's ass about a $6 late fee on movie rentals. BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

Our next letter is from Jennifer in Key Largo, FL. Jennifer seems to have a fetish for losers with websites.

I am really enjoying your website, just wondering do you have a girlfriend?

I have a restraining order. Will that suffice? BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

Our next letter is from Andrea in Farmington Hills, MI. Andrea wrongly believes that the New York Yankees deserve to beat the Boston Red Sox and go to the world series again. Yawn. Yes, it would be soooooo thrilling to watch the Yankees in the world series . . . again. But I digress.

Thank you for your humorous web site. My husband and I are both at odds trying not to kill each other- I am a Yankee fan, he is a Red Sox fan. Your site kept us on the same couch tonight as I sat here showing him all of your funny stuff.

Are you sure it's my funny stuff that's keeping him on the couch with you, and not the threat of losing sex if he pisses you off too much?

Wait a second. Andrea's letter is a nice letter. How am I supposed to rip her a new one if she writes nice things about me? BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

I SAID BRING ME THE NEXT LETTER!

I guess we're out of letters. Now that I've gotten rid of my daily buildup of angst and bitterness, it's time for me to go to bed. But don't worry, I'll have more than enough bitterness for another column tomorrow.

Jet is the coolest new band I've found in a while. The lead singer has a voice like Mick Jagger, but they rock way harder than the Rolling Stones did. If you're looking for a wild night out filled with Jagermeister, their album is for you. "Are You Gonna Be My Girl" by Jet

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Reader Comments

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Andrea      Oct 15, 2003 • 9:00pm   Does another team deserve a chance at the World Series? Maybe. It is fun being a Yankee fan though. (If they lose today, I may want to retract my statement.) Elyza      Oct 15, 2003 • 8:53pm   There are no Blockbusters near me. So we go to this little shack of a place called Video Barn where the children run amuck and you can always count on a showing of "The Sandlot." TractorInc      Oct 15, 2003 • 3:54pm   Jet - pretty good. Thanks.

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