Ask Reginald, the advice-giving monkey

Note: Reginald is out sick with the west nile virus this week, and Paul Ryan, his non-monkey understudy, will be filling in for him. Paul is slightly disgruntled because Reginald is not being charged a sick day for his absence. The monkey-human tension has always been high here at Daily Ramblings. Reginald loathes Paul because he's always tardy to work, and Paul hates Reginald because he always poops in Paul's work chair.

Dear Reginald,
I recently contracted herpes, and my doctor gave me Valtrex. How does this stuff work? Do I ingest it orally? Do I shove the tube into my buttocks? If I've slept with dozens of people since contracting herpes, do I have to bring enough Valtrex for everyone? Please help.
Sincerely,
Trouble in Toronto

Dear TIT,
I can understand why you'd write Reginald with herpes problems. That blasted monkey has been around the block more times than the mailman during Christmas card season. Anyway, try using the ointment as if it were shampoo. Lather your scalp, rinse, and then repeat. To see if it worked, have sex with a friend or random stranger. If they contract herpes, then you'll know to keep applying the treatment.

Dear Reginald,
You're a ladies man. Tell me, what do the ladies like better? Boxers, briefs, wild jungle themed thongs, or a codpiece? Your input is greatly appreciated.
Sincerely,
Problems of Outrageous Need

Dear POON,
Reginald is certainly not a ladies man. In fact, he's not even a man. He's a damn monkey. He has intercourse with other fat, dirty, flea-infested monkeys who eat their own poop. Luckily, I am the biggest ladies man within a four foot radius of my apartment, so I can help you. I have found that while boxers are great for everyday purposes and jungle themed thongs add a mysterious aura to one's groinage area, a codpiece is really the only true choice of underoos that will impress the ladies. Codpieces are great conversation starters, they protect just as well as an athletic supporter (sometimes referred to by intellectuals as a "nut cup"), and ladies find them irresistible. The larger your codpiece is, the more ladies you'll get. A sharpened codpiece can also be very useful as a weapon if someone tries to mug you. Rod Roddy, the announcer for "The Price is Right" game show, has a multi-colored codpiece he wears to work every day.

Dear Reginald,
I'm looking for a job in the adult entertainment industry. I enjoy humping others, but I'm not unattractive enough to be a male porn star. Is there any male porn stars who aren't fat and ugly?
Sincerely,
Possibilities Eternally Endless

Dear PEE,
You know, jobs involving sex aren't entirely held by the adult entertainment industry. There are many regular jobs that can be made into sexual jobs. If you apply for a job at a morgue or dentist's office, you'll be able to have sex with the customers without them even knowing.

Halloween is coming soon, and we need a good drink for the occasion. "Maggots" sounds like a nice drink, doesn't it? This one might be better as a shot than as a full drink. 1 part vodka 1 part peach schnapps 1 part Bailey's Irish cream 1 part Kahlua Pour the ingredients into the glass in the exact order listed, but do not stir the drink. Once the ingredients are in the glass, lightly shake it. Apparently, it will look like a glass full of maggots. Because we all want to drink that. Enjoy.

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