The cure

Man: Hello, I'd like a cure please.

Clerk: A cure for what?

Man: Everything.

Clerk: Everything for what?

Man: Everything for everything.

Clerk: I'm not following you.

Man: I want a cure for everything. I have a lot of problems, and I'd like a pill or something to take care of them.

Clerk: Well, what do you have problems with?

Man: Everything.

Clerk: Surely you don't have problems with everything. That's ridiculous. That's impossible.

Man: Maybe I don't, but you never know what problems I may have in the future. I'd just like to get a cure for everything, so that way I'll be covered for any new problems I develop later.

Clerk: Are you crazy? You can't have a cure for everything!

Man: Why not?

Clerk: Because life doesn't work that way!

Man: Why not?

Clerk: Because . . . because it just doesn't!

Man: That's a pretty sorry excuse. You're not going to send me away satisfied with a lame explanation like that.

Clerk: Look, if there was a cure for everything, and all of life's problems were solved, life itself would cease to have meaning. The whole point of life is to work at solving problems so you can feel good about solving them.

Man: That's why I want a cure for everything, so I can solve my problems and feel good.

Clerk: Yes, but then everything would be perfect, and life would be boring and meaningless.

Man: I don't want things to be perfect. I just want them to be acceptable. I don't want lots of money, a nice car, or the ability to run a four-minute mile. I just want a cure for all the little things. I want a cure for those times when I'm unhappy, even though I have no reason to be. I want a cure that keeps me from feeling bad about stuff that isn't my fault. I want a cure for all the things that make me uncomfortable for no reason. I want a cure for not having anything to say to people. I want a cure for being nervous around people I don't know. I want a cure for moments when I'm not being myself, when I'm trying to be someone else even though I know I shouldn't. I want a cure for those times when I'm not having fun, even though I should be. I want a cure to keep me from convincing myself that I'm less of a person than I really am. I want a cure that keeps me from thinking a girl doesn't like me, when I know for a fact that she does. I want a cure for being afraid. I want a cure for not liking my job. I want a cure for not liking any job. I want cures for everybody else too, so when I hang out with people we'll be able to have fun, instead of sitting around complaining about everything. These are small changes, but the effect will be astronomical, so I want a cure.

Clerk: You sound like you've had a rough day. Maybe you should just go home and rest. Everybody has bad days once in a while, especially on Mondays. It's probably just a Monday thing.

Man: If that's the case, then every day might as well be Monday.

Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

Cholly      Oct 21, 2003 • 3:45am   I was gonna be a smartass and make the obvious 404 comment until I actually read it. Dammit Paul, why'd ya have to come up with something good for #404? bec      Oct 20, 2003 • 4:17pm   With the Mondays thing, I am just reminded of Office Space. zam      Oct 20, 2003 • 4:17pm   *pats Paul on the head* Katers      Oct 20, 2003 • 1:33pm   "If you've got the poison, I've got the remedy" . . . that song was going through my head as I read this. AB is right, excellent change of pace. This column is your best ever. It might make it onto my wall of shame, right next to my framed DMB tickets and the quasi-fascist comments my friend made last year at 3 in the morning via email (Don't ask.)Congrats, Paul, it takes a lot to make it onto my wall. Aaron J. Brown      Oct 20, 2003 • 12:58pm   Wicked changeup ... you never know when Paul is going to put aside the poo jokes and strive for something meaningful.

page:   1