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Deer want to die. Kill them now ...................Paul Ryan
From what I've heard, he also has sex with them after killing them with his car. But let's not start rumors. Now, I'm not a hunter, and I never have been. I'm a TV dinner kind of guy who prefers eating animals that have been tortured in a death farm all their lives (I like to refer to it as "seasoning"). But I'd like to reassure Aaron, and tell him not to worry, because mangling his car with deer carcasses is a normal part of the circle of life. You see, if people didn't plow through large herds of deer with their automobiles, sending little deer limbs flying across the windshield with a splash of warm crimson-colored blood, the deer would become overpopulated. If we have too many deer, nature suffers. When the deer population is too high, the deer start moving into urban areas. When deer move into urban areas, the bears that eat the deer soon follow. So what's the problem? Well, everyone needs to get some nookie once in a while, and while we know Aaron will gladly fornicate with the extra deer, who's going to have sex with the extra bears? Before you know it, your hard-earned tax dollars will be used by the city to hire bestialitists to fornicate with the bears. And when the deer population finally goes down again (likely from the rabid case of syphilis Aaron will spread through the deer community), and the bears finally leave, what are you going to do with all those bear-humping bestialitists left lurking around town? It's a lose/lose situation. I think we're getting off track here. You know you're getting off track when you have to invent a word to describe large groups of people who treat bestiality as a profession. To get back on topic, how do we know deer don't like being hit by cars? Maybe they enjoy it. Has anyone ever done a study? Maybe it's like a carnival ride for them. It's not like deer can do extreme sports like hang gliding or skydiving, so maybe they jump out in front of cars and get a mad rush.
Either way, I think it's time people started trying to hit deer with their cars. Buy an old junker and just drive around looking for deer to run over. Chase them off the road and into the woods if you must. If you're a hunter, perhaps you can take the deer you shoot, set them up in the road, and run over them with your car. You know, for their enjoyment. It probably won't hurt the meat. At least not as much as if Aaron had his way with your deer. Ewwww.
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The other day I read a column by my good friend Aaron J. Brown in the Hibbing Tribune newspaper (which I'm sure would be a positively orgasmic read if I worked in an iron mine and wore a Polaris jacket to high-class social events). In the column, Aaron talked about how he doesn't like to kill cute little deer by hunting them, but always manages to slaughter them with his car anyway.
