Another Reason Why High School is Stupid (As if You Needed Another One)

In a recent edition of the Chicago Tribune, there was a story about Alexandra Fanning, a high school junior, who was planning on going to the prom. She bought a dress for $300, and began putting together the major and minor details. Sure, she was going with her cousin, but she found him both charming and sexy, and it was going to be the best night of her life. Finally, she would get to attend the heavily-chaperoned and meaningless dance. The dance that would surely be a mere precursor to the real after-prom celebration, where her date would accidentally misfire during the "bj", sending his magical prom splooge into her eye. Yes, one could almost taste the magic in the air.

You’ll have to excuse me. I’ve never been to prom. I just assumed that it would be similar to that. In addition, I’ve also never been a teenage girl, as far as you know.

Moving on, the real story is that Fanning had spent the money and made the arrangements, but because she had a rehearsal for a community play that afternoon (she was playing the part of “Cinderella”), she wouldn’t be able to catch a ride with the school’s official “prom bus” that takes the students to the dance (yes, that idea confuses me, too). Hence, she wasn’t allowed to attend the prom at all. No exceptions.

Her creatively charming, “so-sweet-he-induces-vomiting” date, senior Steve Williams, had even asked her to prom by shouting the question to her over a megaphone at a supermarket (yes, that idea confuses me, too). He’s now taking “a broom with a seamstress’ form and her picture attached on top” as his pretend date until Fanning shows up at the post-prom party. Yeah, I know. The boy is a trifle fruity.

But don’t feel sorry for Williams. After having his senior prom ruined forever, he’ll probably get more poontang from Fanning than Hugh Grant at a hooker’s convention. If Fanning paid that much for a dress she’ll never wear again, she’ll have to break the thing in somehow.

Well, just when you thought there would be no sickening quotes with references to “Cinderella”, in comes Ron Stephens, executive director of the National School Safety Center.

“How do you say no to Cinderella and Prince Charming?,” asked Stephens, who obviously needs a friend. Well, Mr. Stephens—man with the ridiculous job title—I’d like to point out a little flaw in your quote: in the play, Prince Charming wasn’t being played by Fanning’s date. It was being played by another senior, Kyle Theil.

Theil also missed the prom because of the play. Here’s a completely inaccurate quote I made up for Theil. “Hey Williams! I may be a loser without a prom date,” screamed Theil, “but I’ll be kissing your wo-man in the rehearsal on prom night! BoobiesBoobiesBoobiesBoobiesBoobiesBoobies!”

Now for a real quote from Fanning, who had an expensive dress and nowhere to use it: “I’m planning on wearing it,” said Fanning. “I don’t care where, but I am wearing my dress.”

I’m sure the local McDonald’s is making sure to brush off their finest booth.

Obviously, this is the fault of the school for not allowing an exception. It’s a fairly isolated case. If the school had made an exception, I highly doubt that half the students would have been vying for a part in “Cinderella” next year just so they could get driven to prom by their parents instead of going on a bus with their friends. But some people disagree with my theory.

Enter Superintendent Kevin Arndt (pictured at right), who upright refused to back down from the school’s oh-so-important bus policy.

“This is a school rule based solely on safety,” said Arndt. “If you have a rule, you should not make exceptions to that rule, because when you start doing that, you start to have problems.”

Arndt then added, “I have a large rod the size of china lodged in my anus.”

Now, read that first quote again while staring at his picture. Can you imagine him saying it? I sure as hell can.

Apparently, kids having their high school memories distorted and ruined isn’t something he considers a problem. By the way, Arndt can be reached by e-mail at karndt@d300.kane.k12.il.us or by phone at 847-426-1300. Arndt doesn’t even live in the same area code as the school. Christ on a Spanish-speaking donkey, somebody slug him.