A column for closed-minded readers

I've just been informed by Richard, the editor at the Reader Weekly newspaper in Duluth, that Dennis Kempton, one of the people who writes the "Rainbow Window" column in the paper, is a fan of Daily Ramblings. As you might guess from the name of his column, he is bi-sexual.

If there are any Republicans here who have yet to be scared off by my liberal rants, a column about non-straight people is sure to do the trick. Woo-hoo!

But wait! Don't leave yet, closed-minded readers! While I've never met Kempton, I can assure you he produces some fine, sensible writing in his column, and seems to be a very nice man. Of course, he might not be a nice man. For all I know, he might rent a steamroller every weekend and drive it around town in search of kittens to smoosh. But I doubt it.

I mean, really, who squooshes kittens with a steamroller? You're sick, reader. Shame on you for even bringing it up, you heartless bastards.

I'm glad this column attracts all demographics. I'm proud to be read by straights, gays, bi-sexuals, and possibly transgendered dwarfs. I'm also very popular with people who practice necrophilia with deer. In fact, this column has been so successful in gathering unusual groups of people lately that I've decided to start targeting other, more unusual demographics. Here's a listing of some of the fetishes I'll be marketing this column towards:

Sugar mommas. If there's one thing I'd like to get out of this column, it's a wealthy woman who can take care of me while I sit on my ass and watch Bill Bellamy movies. If there's one thing I enjoy more than writing columns, it's watching Bill Bellamy movies like "How To Be A Player" and "Def Comedy Jam: All Stars Vol. 12". Is the ill-fated 1996 series "The Bill Bellamy Show" on DVD yet? No? Okay, good. Because I really freakin' hate Bill Bellamy.

Fat admirers. So, you get turned on by fat people, do you? Well here you go. Come back here every day for a new picture!

People who think Bill Bellamy movies are cool. Bill Bellamy is actually the only person with this fetish, so I probably shouldn't focus my marketing here.

S & M. Have you ever read a columnist besides me who writes about pretend violence so often? Just pretend all that violence is sexual, and you'll be set. For instance, today i talked about flattening kittens with a steamroller. Find a way to make that event sexy.

Satanic lesbian vampires. Those are three words that really shouldn't go together, kind of like "delicious Denny's entree". Unfortunately, I don't know any satanic people, lesbians, or vampires. So I probably won't be able to provide this content. Wait, is Bill Bellamy satanic? Okay, never mind then.

Phone sex. Donate $5 to me, and I'll give you my phone number and let you listen to my answering machine. It says "Hey, this is Paul. Leave a message." But it's really sexy. Or not. Just shut up and give me $5.

By the time I'm done with this fetish advertising campaign, we'll have more freaks here than . . . well, more freaks than we do now. But that's still saying quite a lot.

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Reader Comments

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The "Man" (hippy talk)      May 28, 2005 • 2:20pm   I am the man I will bring you down. Everything you say does not matter our productions will bring you down now stop getting high and get a job as lifeless worker #45,768,027,736,830. Dennis Kempton      Oct 29, 2003 • 2:20am   oh, but on second thought...I guess I COULD have been accused of worse things, like necrophilia with deer. I'll try a LOT of things, but I draw the line at that. Ouch, Aaron. Dennis Kempton      Oct 29, 2003 • 12:54am   Imagine my surprise when I got home this afternoon and got my dose of Daily Ramblings. I am humbled and honored to have been mentioned. And I'm also a little offended. Kittens with a steamroller? That's one of the TAMER things I've been accused of doing. I like your work, Paul and enjoy reading it and viewing your picture daily. Haha. Ramblin' Man      Oct 28, 2003 • 4:17pm   "For instance, today i talked about flattening kittens with a steamroller. Find a way to make that event sexy." Jojo      Oct 28, 2003 • 4:04pm   THIS is art? Paul Ryan      Oct 28, 2003 • 3:03pm   P.S. DON'T CENSOR MY ART!!!! Paul Ryan      Oct 28, 2003 • 3:02pm   If the dominos haven't fallen in my life yet, then I must be in for one hell of a surprise.

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