I want some candy, and I want it right freakin' now

It's depressing to sit in the aftermath of Halloween without any candy. It's times like these I wish I had children, so I could steal candy from them after they had gone to bed for the night. I'm pretty sure my parents did the same thing to me when I was younger.

Confidential to mom and dad: you can make it up to me by sending me three bags of Halloween candy in the mail. I'll be waiting, you thieving bastards.

Anyway, my friend Ian - who was earlier labeled the world's universal scapegoat - is married and has a son. His son loves trick-or-treating, but doesn't like chocolate. Yes, you heard me. His son doesn't like chocolate. That's kind of like an old man who doesn't like jiggling his eyebrows at young ladies in the mall. It's just really unusual.

What this means is that Ian gets to eat roughly 80% of the candy his kid brings home. It's the perfect Halloween child labor scam. The kid does all the work, making the neighborhood residents believe their candy will be enjoyed by a member of our nation's youth, and later that night Ian sits in his Barcalounger and laughs like a madman, chocolate smeared across his face and hands, with hundreds of little "fun size" wrappers littered across the floor.

If Ian was looking for a reason for people to make him a scapegoat for everything for the rest of his life, he sure hit the jackpot with this one.

But I'm not just going to sit here whining about Ian's good fortune. I'm going to use today's column as an opportunity to call dibs on any upcoming Talty children. If Ian and his wife have another child who doesn't like chocolate, I want dibs on the kid for Halloween. I'll drive to Minneapolis, pick the kid up, drive him or her back here to La Crosse, and then return the child after I've had my fill of candy.

If Ian or his wife (who I refer to as "Mrs. Ian") disapprove of this idea, I'll just have to take matters into my own hands. I'll find a local adoption agency, and ask if they have any children who enjoy dressing up in costumes, but are allergic to chocolate or peanuts. If they do, I'll ask if I can rent the child for Halloween.

I'm not very familiar with the adoption process, but I don't see why someone wouldn't be allowed to rent a child for a day. It would be quite the profitable business. Single guys could rent a cute little kid to take for a walk in the park, so they could pick up ladies. If they scored a date with a lady, the rental period could be extended to six months. If the lady dumped the man before the six month "rent to own" period, the child could be returned.

Women who are overweight can rent a child and pretend they gave birth recently. This way, they'll have an excuse for their girth, and will have some extra time to lose those unsightly pounds without feeling embarrassed.

What? What are you getting upset about?

Oh, don't get all worked up, reader. It was just a joke. Renting children would be a horrible and incredibly inhumane idea. I'm not that insensitive. However, using your own children, or someone else's, for your own gain on Halloween is still okay. Unless you're my parents. Then you should feel just horrible, you vicious candy-stealing buttholes.

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Reader Comments

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Shaun      Nov 5, 2003 • 4:49pm   Mmmm...there was definitly a hint of paedophilia in your little piece of rambling.Please,promise me you would'nt really consider driving off to kidnap a child for 'candy' (whatever that might mean...) Scapegoat Of The Universe      Nov 3, 2003 • 9:32pm   Mmmm...CANDY! Jennifer      Nov 3, 2003 • 8:56pm   I feel so bad for you, if you give me your address I will send you some of our candy. We have so much, that I would feel guilty every time I bit into a delightful morsel I would not be able to enjoy, knowing there are so many that have so little :) jen      Nov 3, 2003 • 5:13pm   WHINER! MrEnthusiasm      Nov 3, 2003 • 3:20pm   While the image of Ian laughing like a madman at his chocolatey good fortune does bring a smile to my face, I am concerned that we now have a sugared-up scapegoat on our hands, and who knows what that could lead to. Katers      Nov 3, 2003 • 2:56pm   We have so much Halloween candy left over at work, it's not even funny. You could have some if you were here - but you're not. Hence, you're SOL. Loser.

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