E-mails, comments, clarifications, and random complaints from readers

Oh dear, reader. Whatever are we going to do? It's time for a letters column, and all I have are angry letters from people who hate me. That won't make for a very nice column at all! In fact, that will make for an absolutely ruthless column from yours truly.

Well, in a weird twist of fate, I just happen to be in a really bad mood today. I'm flat broke as a joke, my boss was crabby all day, and a girl I really dig looks as though she's going to toss my ass to the wayside tomorrow. So bring it on, damnit! Bring it on!

Okay, I just sounded like a wrestler. I must remember in the future to keep my bitterness towards life in check enough to keep from sounding like Rowdy Roddy Piper.

Our first letter comes from a pretentious jerkoff who calls himself "Believer". He recently found the column I wrote around Halloween last year, when I made fun of an incredibly ridiculous Christian Halloween party. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against religion, I just think refusing to allow your kids to trick-or-treat based on religious principles is stupid. Anyway, the column was very lighthearted and funny, but Believer took it the wrong way.

No matter how you look at the so called holiday...it has evil intent.

My biggest complaint in your column is how you label catholics as Christians...please do not offend me with such garbage. Catholics may believe in Jesus, but they do not beleive Him to be Savior of the world. If they did, they would pray in His name, not to saints.

Back to halloween. Having two small children, I find it hard to dress them in anything that depicts something as disgusting as gobblins or witches. What message do we send kids when we intentionally let them portray these evil figures? You're smart enought o figure that out...it's horrific!

I grew up in a home that let me celebrate the season in that manner, and I can say it did nothing good for me. And I admit I let my first-born do the trick-or-treat thing for a couple years, but then I woke up and saw the truth behind it all.

You can disregard all I've said, because you don't know me from joe. But the Truth that is Jesus Christ would never approve of this evil celebration. And before you label me as some old chruch hag, I'm a 32 year old male who hangs out with pro skaters and bmx riders (x-games gold medalist) as well as other world famous people you would know if I mentioned thier names. Believing in the Bible isn't for wimps.

You know what I love? When people who hate to be labeled label me as being some satanic hellspawn who views religious people as wimps or inferiors. I never have and never will. But I will label you as an annoying assbag. But that's because you are one, you annoying assbag.

You know what else I love? How regular human beings think they can just go around assuming what Jesus would or wouldn't condone. Kids aren't dressing up to be satanic, they're doing it because it's fun to dress up. The holiday has no meaning beyond novelty. If you never got anything out of it, it's only because you're such a anal dillhole. Kids get to use their imagination, have fun with friends, spend time carving pumpkins with their family, and see the generosity and trust the entire world has with one another when they come home with that bag of candy.

As for your "old church hag" comment, just because you're a 32-year-old male who hangs out with x-gamers doesn't mean you can't be an old church hag. You are an old church hag. If you don't believe me, just read your e-mail again. "Old church hag" isn't a person, it's a state of mind. And you, Believer, might as well go shopping for a sun dress, a flowered hat, and some orthopedic shoes.

Our second letter comes in response to my Sigfried and Roy entry in the Crapalog. Yes folks, the Crapalog is still going, and is actually updated nearly every day. Go read it. Anyway, the letter is from Jo Ann of Harrisburg, PA, and boy, is she angry.

My hope for you is that you either get run over by a bus or shot between the eyes. There are so many people praying for Roy's full recovery we will now start to pray for your demise.

You know what would be extra cool? If I got shot between the eyes right as I was getting hit by a bus. That would be, like, the awesomest death ever. Anyway, as I said, I'm not really a churchy fellow, but I sincerely doubt God will smite someone at your request. If God does do that, I've got quite a long list for Him, Her, or It to get cracking on.

But hey, fear not, Jo Ann. I'm sure something will come out of your prayer for my demise. As I said, I'm not an old church hag, but I think there's a decent chance that random death threats aimed at people you've never met will land you a warm spot in hell.

Our final letter (praise Jesus! TESTIFY!) comes from John in Oklahoma. John doesn't like me very much, but declined to tell me why.

What a stupid fuck you are. If you want to know what's wrong with this country today, look in a mirror.

Really? My devilishly handsome looks have led this country awry? Damn these gorgeous locks of beautiful man hair, which have forced our men out to war! Damn these deep blue eyes, which have led our economy to ruin! Damn this wonderfully stylish Sean Connery chest hair arrangement, which has caused so many Americans to lose their jobs!

All right, this has gone on long enough. The column is in disarray. There's no possible way for me to transition from that into an ending for the column. Good night.

If there's anything that adds to the spirit of rock n' roll, it's senseless cursing and songs about nothing. K is for Kennedy has captured both these aspects in this song. "Wake up / Wake up / Wake up motherfucker / Wake up." Such simple and delightful poetry hath never been spoken. Unfortunately, the rest of their songs seem to be more on the lighter side. What a pity. They're so good at being loud. "Wake Up Motherfucker" by K is for Kennedy

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