Application form to date me

Over the years, I've had quite a few bad relationships. Way too many, in my opinion, most of them not even being my fault. I just seem to be destined to date women who treat me like crap. While I may be a sarcastic smartass, I hardly think that makes me deserving of such a miserable (and pretty much nonexistent) lovelife. So to help myself with this problem, I've decided that whenever I'm about to start a relationship with a woman, she'll have to fill out an application.

It's not a lengthy or difficult application. There's no essay questions or problems involving long division or triginometry. It's more like a prenuptial agreement, but for the relationship, protecting me against women who will intentionally or unintentionally hurt me. For you women with overprotective fathers, I imagine this application will remind you of the one your father wanted to give to your first date, except my application consists of more than just the question, "Do you own a van? If yes, please leave and never speak to my daughter again."

1. Do you agree to undergo a background check and mental health evaluation, so I can make sure you're not retarded before I date you?

__Yes
__No

2. Do you agree to pay a $100 deposit up front, which will be returned only if you end the relationship with an honest explanation, and not with vague and meaningless phrases like "It's not you, it's me" or "I'm going through a rough time right now"?

__Yes
__No

3. I snore when I sleep. Are you going to get all bitchy on me about that?

__Yes
__No
__I don't know (same as "yes")

4. If you cheat on me, like 50% of the girls I've dated, you will be dumped immediately and forevermore referred to as "that lousy tramp". Do you think this is fair?

__Yes
__No (same as "I'm a lousy tramp")

5. If you dump me within two months for some ridiculous reason, like 100% of the girls I've dated, your house may experience difficulties with random flying eggs and rolls of toilet paper. If this happens, do you agree that you deserve it?

__Yes
__No

6. Have you ever read a book outside of school?

__Yes, I'm intelligent
__No, I'm dumb

7. Do you realize my definition of "books" does not include picture books, pop-up books, or Cliff's Notes?

__Yes
__No

8. Are you a bitch?

__Yes
__No

9. No, really. I mean it. Are you a bitch?

__Yes
__No

10. I'm a very insecure person. Are you intelligent enough to realize that getting frustrated with that and responding by not calling me for a week will only make my insecurity worse?

__Yes
__No, I'm dumb

11. Are you going to include me in your life, and not act like you don't know me around friends, family, and co-workers?

__I will include you
__I'm a jerk
__I don't know (same as "I'm a jerk")

12. The size of my penis is incredibly huge. Is that okay?

__Yes
__No

12. Do you understand that just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I'm dumb, it just means I don't talk a lot?

__Yes
__No, I like to jump to ridiculous conclusions

13. I like cookies, especially chocolate chip ones. Do you like baking chocolate chip cookies?

__Yes, I am your dream woman
__No

For those of you who have just taken the test, thank you for cooperating. By giving you this test, I'm not trying to condemn you, I'm only trying to prove to myself that you're not a heartless wench or syphilis-ridden harlot. In a few days, you will receive your test results. Correct answers will be marked with a green check mark. Incorrect answers will be marked with the words "What the hell were you thinking??" written in red marker.

If you have any questions, comments, or complaints, please consult our customer service department. They will be happy to give you the finger.

Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1 2 3

Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   thejerk@dailyramblings.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   clynn305327@hotmail.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   andrew      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   gjhyhgj\'yg\\u];yt\\uj .fg,h orft Fuck head      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   your a fuck head sherry      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   you are hot!!! clynn      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Sounds like we\'ve suffered many the same fate.

page:   1 2 3