Pr0n? Gesundheit

I'd like to start off with a warning. Columns like this one are the exact reason why women always act a bit nervous around me. Well, that and my magnificent ass (Don't worry, the link doesn't lead to a picture of my ass, or anything else inappropriate). But in order to cover all the latest hot topics, sometimes I have to write columns that are, quite frankly, going to come across as crude to most ladies. This column is one of them. So let's get started, and don't say I didn't warn you:

Just because I have a website on the Internet doesn't mean I know everything about the Internet, but people seem to assume that. For instance, this weekend I received an e-mail from someone asking how they could get a copy of the naughty video of Paris Hilton that is supposedly circulating around the Internet.

For those of you who don't know, Paris Hilton is a moron. And not just because she had a one night stand with some guy and let him videotape it. No, she's always been a full-time moron. Hilton is on the reality show "The Simple Life", where two rich city girls (her being one of them) are forced to live on a farm and do actual work for once in their lives. Apparently, the entertainment value of this show climaxes when the prissy blonde girls squeal while shoveling horse poop. I don't think I'm wrong when I say this is the dumbest premise for a television show since the awkward Bert and Ernie Sesame Street spinoff, "Rainbow's Love: Muppets Like to Experiment".

Okay, I made that one up. But you know if that were a real show, you'd watch it at least once, just to see how much they showed. Okay, I'm grossing myself out now. Let's get back to the main topic.

I'm not interested in watching Paris Hilton's naughty video any more than I'm interested in watching a twig get humped by a hairy baboon (I think both acts would look roughly the same). I wasn't interested in watching Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee bumping uglies on their naughty video, so why would I want to see an even more fake and annoying woman doing the same thing? But alas, I care deeply about my readers, and want them to have happy and productive lives. If I don't help my readers by finding this video for them, they will have to waste time finding it themselves, which will leave them less time for finding a job so they can make money, which will leave them less money to donate to me.

If you think it's odd that I'd go through all this trouble just to get a few bucks, then you obviously haven't been visiting this site very long. I'd fight an agitated bear to the death with only a box of plastic sporks for protection if it would pay off my bandwidth costs and credit card debt.

Anyway, the task of finding this video has proven difficult for me. I'm a bit of a novice at downloading porn. Sure, laugh it up and call me a liar, but it's true. Working this odd and strenuous reporter schedule, being involved in time-consuming activities like theater, and thinking up a new column every day for this website doesn't leave me with much free time. And if I'm going to spend my free time doing something worthless, my first choice is always going to be drinking whiskey out of a thermos while yelling profanity in Spanish at random strangers out the window.

So the downloading hasn't gone well. Unfortunately, after trying for ten minutes - the full extent of my juvenile attention span - I've found that most of the files on file sharing services are fake. Apparently, I'm not the only person on the Internet who enjoys messing with people's heads.

The first file I downloaded turned out to be not a Paris Hilton sex video, but some classic video footage of a monkey drinking its own whiz. Clever? Yes. Something that will satisfy the hordes of surly drunks who visit this site every day? No. So I pressed on.

The second file I downloaded turned out to be video footage of Saddam Hussein sitting down to talk with some of his allies at his palace. It looked to be news footage from around the Desert Storm days. Interesting? Yes. Erotic enough for my male readers, and worthy of the 42 cents they could collectively afford to donate to me? No. So I pressed on.

The third file I downloaded was indeed naughty, but unless Hilton has suddenly become a horrendously unattractive Asian woman, I don't think this is the naughty video I'm looking for. Sexy? Maybe to very desperate men, like Washington Post columnist George Will's readers. Something people could watch without getting an urge to toss their cookies, or throw turpentine in their eyes to make it stop? No. So I pressed on.

The fourth file I downloaded was a naughty video so horribly, horribly disgusting that I cannot describe its contents here without making you become ill into the brown milk in your bowl of Count Chocula cereal. Disgusting? Yes. The good kind of disgusting? Sweet Jeebus, no! So I gave up.

Giving up may not be the same as winning, dear reader, but it's certainly not the same as losing, either. I like to think of it as fighting hard to get a tie, but without having to give any effort. I'm working smarter, not harder, and there's nothing wrong with that.