Why do people smell?

Perhaps asking why people smell is a bit vague. Instead, I should probably ask why people smell like awful, awful crap. Yes, I'm familiar with the process in which the human body produces sweat, and how some people produce more sweat than others. What I'm not familiar with is how people can go days without showering, creating a horrendous personal odor that could easily be mistaken for the cool down area at the end of a French marathon.

Seriously, how hard is it to shower every day? It takes ten minutes, or maybe 30 if you're narcoleptic. Even if you're morbidly obese, and have a lot of area to cover, it still shouldn't take all that long. The employees at the zoo can hose down an elephant in twenty minutes or less, so if you can find a garden hose and someone else at your house to help, showering shouldn't be difficult.

Wow, the pharmacy must have given me "cruel sarcasm" pills this week instead of anti-depressants. Oh well. Who cares? Both the anti-depressants and cruel sarcasm make me feel good.

But there are some people in this world who smell like a decaying woodchuck rolled in poo, and they don't seem to realize that when they don't shower, no one wants to sit next to them on the bus. If this weren't November, I'd think that perhaps they had given up showering for lent.

Sigh. The lent jokes always flop here. Especially in November.

A lot of you probably have the same question floating around in your head: "Paul, you have your own website on the Internet. Doesn't that mean you're a smelly loser, too?" Well, I am a loser, but I'm certainly not smelly. My natural body odor has a scent similar to Brut cologne. Of course, Brut is only good for attracting old ladies and small, rabid animals, so I usually douse myself in Tommy Boy cologne 17 times per day.

But we're not here to talk about me. We're here to talk about people who don't shower every day. People who, when they sit in a chair for a lengthy period of time, transfer their vile stench to that chair like a deadly plague. If you're unlucky enough to be sitting next to them, it's almost guaranteed that an attractive person will walk past and think the smell belongs to you.

What are we to do about such people? You can't very well walk up to them and say, "Pardon me, but it smells like your diaper needs a change." Even if someone had the guts to say such a rude thing, the smelly people wouldn't believe you. After a while, people become immune to bad odors. It's like when hostages fall in love with their captors.

There's only one solution to this problem: disposable clothing made entirely out of deodorant. Sure, the smell of it will be overpowering at first, possibly causing curious or overly-friendly dogs to have seizures, but the benefit will far outweigh the problem in that case. Sure, as the day goes on, the clothes will evaporate, causing everyone to live in constant fear of horrendous and uncalled for nudity, but at least they'll be nice smelling ugly naked people. And sure, disposable clothing will be incredibly expensive, but they'll be able to afford it. I mean, it's not like the smelly people are going to be spending money on girlfriends or boyfriends. If that were the case, they wouldn't be smelly in the first place.

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Reader Comments

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One_Unicorn@webtv.net                                    violetrose      Aug 21, 2006 • 6:36am   all people smell sometime.Even you. Johny Wishbone      Jun 27, 2006 • 8:07pm   So the moral of the story is: smell the chair before you sit on it? stephanie smith      Jun 2, 2006 • 11:29am   I do not smell

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