A little discussion about heaven

Paul: Hey Father, what's shakin'?

Priest: Nothing much, Paul. I'm just chillin'.

Paul: Chillin' like a villain?

Priest: No, chillin' like a servant of our Lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Paul: Oh. That doesn't really roll off the tongue as nicely. So anyway, here I am.

Priest: Yes, welcome! What made you want to come to church?

Paul: Well, I'll try anything once.

Priest: I don't think that's your true reason for coming here, Paul. I doubt you'd come to church for the same reason you'd do a beer bong or drop acid, to "try anything once". Although I must say the end result of attending church activities can be quite similar to the effects of those drugs.

Paul: You . . . you mean church will help me get wasted?

Priest: If by "get wasted", you mean "get closer to the Lord".

Paul: No, I mean "get wasted". Your description of church is very misleading. In order to make sure you don't confuse people, you should stay away from references to alcohol or hardcore narcotics in your sermons.

Priest: I usually do. Ahem. Let's get back to your reason for coming here, Paul. Did you come here because you'd like to learn more about the road to heaven, or about heaven itself?

Paul: Not really. I think I pretty much know what heaven is like.

Priest: Oh, do you now? Interesting. And what do you think heaven is like?

Paul: It's a big place in the sky with naked girls and kegs of Guinness.

Priest: There's no need for liquor in heaven, Paul. In heaven, you'll find a remedy for the pain and suffering in life, but you won't find Guinness.

Paul: Then why the hell would anyone want to go there?

Priest: Because it's an end to all pain and suffering, Paul! It's pure happiness and joy!

Paul: But there's no freakin' Guinness? That sucks ass!

Priest: Be careful about your attitude, Paul. Is that the kind of thing you'd say to St. Peter at the gates of heaven?

Paul: Why, is he a prude? Hey, if heaven doesn't have Guinness, does hell have it?

Priest: No. Hell only has eternal burning and anal protrusions.

Paul: Really? What about people who are gay, and into S&M? Wouldn't they like getting burned and anally violated?

Priest: No, they wouldn't. Nobody likes being in hell.

Paul: What about the devil? Does he like being in hell?

Priest: No.

Paul: Then why doesn't he just leave? What a dumb bastard.

Priest: He can't leave, Paul. He's been banished to hell for eternity.

Paul: Yeah, but he's in charge of hell, isn't he? If you're in charge of something, you can leave whenever you want.

Priest: You make a lot of jokes, Paul. What are you hiding behind these jokes? Is it your faith? Are you afraid you'll look silly if you show you have faith? Is that why you hide it?

Paul: I don't hide my faith. I have a lot of faith, and I'm actually very open about it. But I think it's better explained by a man who came unto us in the year of 19 and 87, singing, "Faith-a, faith-a, faith-a, I've gotta have faith-a, faith-a, faith-aaahhh!"

Priest: Please don't sing George Michael songs in our church.

Paul: Oh, sorry. I didn't realize you were still upset about him leaving "Wham!" and going solo.

Priest: It's not that, Paul. It's just that, for some unexplained reason, George Michael songs make our Virgin Mary paintings drip blood.

Paul: Cool!

Priest: No, not cool. Especially if you're the one who has to clean it up.

Paul: Don't you guys have a janitor? Speaking of that, when you hire someone like a janitor, do you check to make sure they're not heathens?

Priest: I've had about enough of your jokes and mockery, Paul. We need to talk in a serious manner about getting you to church regularly.

Paul: These aren't jokes! I'm being totally serious! The questions I'm asking are ones I've been wondering about for years. I want to know why neither heaven nor hell have Guinness, why people who like S&M wouldn't like being tortured in hell, why the devil can't leave a place he rules and embodies, and whether or not janitors are tested to make sure they're not Beelzebub-humpers.

Priest: Beelzebub-humpers?

Paul: Atheists like to refer to deeply religious people as "Bible-humpers", so I figured satanic people would be "Beelzebub-humpers".

Priest: I think our conversation here is done.

Paul: What's the matter? I finally make a joke instead of being serious, and you walk away? If you used the term "Beelzebub-humpers" in your next sermon, it would be comic gold!

Paul: Well, screw that. I don't need anyone to tell me what heaven is like. Nobody here on earth knows what heaven is really like, anyway. We're all just speculating and theorizing. I think heaven is whatever a person wants it to be, and my heaven is full of pretty girls who appreciate me and give me cold pints of Guinness.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Maxfuk      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Yeah, I agree that \"bible-humpers\" is far superior to \"bible-thumpers.\" What is thumper supposed to be inferring anyway? Are pious people supposed to be hitting the bible?Thumper is the name of that stupid rabbit from Bambi, and it\'s hardly even a word. Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   No, \"bible-humpers\" is funnier. I CAN\'T BELIEVE I READ THAT WHOLE THING      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   YOU MEAN BIBLE-THUMPERS? Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Why can\'t the rest of you girls be more like Desiree? Desiree      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   The fact that Paul describes heaven as being full of naked girls is disappointing for us females. However, he does provide us with something around that little technicality. GUINNESS. If we drink enough Guinness then sooner or later we won\'t be able to even tell that the naked girls aren\'t guys...and it will be fun for us too. Paul might be a genius. Shaun      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Actually, when you speak of anal violation,considering todays priests,he would probably have used the topic more openly and give advice on how to recieve it best.Other than being really religious and stuff,priests are no better than the Father Christmas at the mall. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Your heaven is, uh, typical Paul. In my heaven, Dave Matthews plays live shows all day long, people don\'t get easily offended, and people appreciate others. Oh, to have heaven in one\'s reach . . . ImmortalBeloved      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Guinness rocks!! Dennis Kempton      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   an interesting term. Disturbing and funny all at the same time.

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