Give me some damn cookies

Okay, this is seriously pissing me off. Every year, I see tables everywhere full of Girl Scouts selling cookies, but this fall, I haven't seen a single one. It's like they've gone on strike in my area.

If any Girl Scouts read this column, I'd like to ask: CAN I PLEASE GET SOME DAMN COOKIES?

Myself, I'm a Tagalongs sort of man. These are by far the best cookies the Girl Scouts offer. I would give my left arm for some of these cookies. In fact, I would gladly have my left arm removed, and replaced with a left arm made entirely of Tagalongs. But only if the Tagalongs arm was replaced for free every time I ate it. Oh, and don't worry, I wouldn't eat the Tagalongs covering the raw flesh from where my original arm was torn off. That would be silly.

I'm also a fan of Thin Mints. This style of cookie is not only minty and delicious, but it also includes two more grams of sugar per serving than Tagalongs. This extra sugar makes me run around in circles inside my apartment, going "woowoowoowoowoowoowoowoowoowoowoowoo!" for ridiculous amounts of time. For a sampling of this "Happy Sugary Paul" sound, click here.

Unfortunately, the Girl Scouts also sell cookies that, frankly, suck a big fat ass. I will describe these cookies as well, starting with the least suckiest first.

Let's be honest with the Peanut Butter Sandwich. You're a decent cookie, Peanut Butter Sandwich, but I can buy the same damn thing for less at any store. You're peanut butter in an oatmeal cookie, so you're not really all that special in the first place. If you were good, the picture on your box wouldn't show a kid feeding you to a damn donkey.

The Animal Treasures cookie is okay, but it's really not much more than a shortbread cookie. And we all know shortbread cookies suck. Even when you add the chocolate coating to the bottom, it still doesn't get rid of the dry, bland shortbread cookie taste. Plus, the little pictures of animals on the Animal Treasures cookies make me feel stupid. Why can't they have cool, oddly disturbing pictures on the cookies? How about a cookie with Richard Nixon on it? How about a cookie celebrating baseball hall of famer Rod Carew's conversion to Judaism? What about an Abe Vigoda cookie, or an inspirational cookie that says "Everyone else sucks" on it? In fact, how about an inspirational cookie that says, "Everyone else sucks on it" on it?

These Pinatas cookies are new, and they frighten me. It's an oatmeal cookie with "berry-licious fruit", a sugar glaze, and cinnamon added. The amount of sugar in this cookie is certainly adequate, but I'm nervous about the "berry-licious fruit". While I'm sure the "fruit" in these cookies is completely unhealthy and horribly bad for you, the word "fruit" makes me fear this cookie will provide some sort of unseen nutritional value. When I'm eating Girl Scout cookies, I want the absolute opposite of nutritional value. I want a cookie that is the antichrist of nutritional value, and this cookie is not it.

You're already walking on thin ice when you have a lemon-flavored cookie. But when you take the fat out of that cookie, like with Reduced Fat Lemon Pastry Cremes, you're just asking for it. C'mon! What are you doing to us, Girl Scouts? I don't care how good people say this cookie is, anytime you take fat out of food, it makes the food taste worse. Science has proven this theory. If you don't believe me, go eat a box of Reduced Fat Cheez-Its. When you get done rinsing the residual vomit out of your mouth, come back and tell me if I'm wrong. I still believe the greatest taste on earth must be something so chock full of fat that you'll explode and die after eating one of them. I was hoping the Girl Scouts would be first to market such an item, but things aren't looking very promising.

Here it is. That blasted Shortbread cookie. Booooooooring! Sure, they have sugar, but it's not like you can taste any of it. Sure, your grandma likes them, but she also likes ribbon candy and reruns of the Lawrence Welk Show. There's nothing worse than biting into a cookie that's as dry and crumbly as sawdust. No sir, I reckon I don't like Shortbread cookies. No siree!

Ugh. Caramel Delites. Where do I begin? You took a perfectly good fudge stripes cookie and ruined it by lacing it with little bits of coconut. That's like secretly replacing my Snickers with a Mounds. Things started out so well with the Caramel Delites cookie. You took the Fudge Stripes cookie and added caramel, which would have been damn delicious, but then you got greedy. You added little strings of coconut, not even realizing how much they look like little bits of David Hasselhoff's chest hair. It's like Hasselhoff visited the cookie plant after a day at the beach, and leaned too far over the Fudge Stripes machine.

If there's a funnier way to end a column than by making you envision tufts of David Hasselhoff's chest hair falling onto freshly-baked Girl Scout cookies, I haven't found it yet.

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Reader Comments

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Chester      Jun 2, 2004 • 2:27am   I lobe them pinatas cookies MMmmmmm mmmm good. yeah! but I also lobe cookie cream delights chocolate. Does anyone know a website that sells girl scout cookies? Thanks my friends Steve-O-Rama      Nov 21, 2003 • 7:06pm   I would kill a man just for the sweet taste of a caramel delight. bec      Nov 19, 2003 • 5:32am   Maybe that should be the next poll. I love thin mints, too. Matt      Nov 19, 2003 • 3:13am   I love Thin Mints... I love to put them in teh freezer then eat them up. Unfortunately, I usually can't wait until they get to the proper temperature because I want to eat them all!!!

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