Lesbians sent me a package!

I was surprised today to find a package in my mailbox. It wasn't just any package, though. It was a package from lesbians. Or at least that's what the return address said.

Does that say "Lesbians for Ethanol" in a poorly-spelled manner on the return address? In case you're wondering, dear innocent reader, ethanol is pure alcohol. And let me tell you, I'm all for lesbians drinking high-proof alcohol. Especially if it's at a party I'm attending, and the large quantities of alcohol lead to them giving public displays of affection.

Woot woot!

Of course, the word alcohol has two possible meanings, and unfortunately, ethanol is not the kind of alcohol you can use to get drunk. So it's likely the lesbians support ethanol as an environmentally safe alternative to petroleum-based gasoline, and not as the latest in trendy booze. But hey, let's forget about the scientific facts, and go back to the ridiculous "sexy lesbian fantasy" that years of television and movies have pounded into my young, impressionable mind.

Ahhhh, that's better. Reality is so dull.

After ripping the brown paper off the package, I noticed that the box used to hold whatever the lesbians sent me was an "AM Cosmetics" box. I've never heard of AM Cosmetics, but I'm a little concerned, because the company does business out of New Jersey. Who would order cosmetics from New Jersey? Have they ever seen girls from New Jersey? A cosmetics kit used by a New Jersey girl could easily double as a makeup kit for clowns at the circus, or streetwalkers.

Anyway, let's go back to the sexy lesbian fantasy (I keep repeating that phrase because I want to get more hits from search engines). Since the box the lesbians used for packaging was originally used to ship cosmetics, would that qualify these lesbians as "lipstick lesbians"? I'm not even sure what lipstick lesbians are, but the late night programming lineups on Cinemax and Showtime seem to suggest that I should be intrigued by them, and you'd think lesbians who specially order cosmetics would be of the "lipstick" kind.

I'm not sure where I thought this column was going when I started it, but I certainly didn't expect it to end up here.

After another 25 minutes of indulging myself with sexy thoughts involving unrealistic lesbians, I finally opened the box, and found it to be full of chocolate chip cookies. Not just a few chocolate chip cookies, either. This box had an assload of chocolate chip cookies.

Perhaps this kind gesture was in response to the column I wrote with with the application form to date me. I think the last question of the application said something about chocolate chip cookies. But why would a lesbian respond to a dating application? Had the exposure, in writing, of some of my greatest faults - insecurity, social anxiety, and loud snoring - warmed the heart of a lesbian enough to get her to bat for the pink team, instead of the blue team? Had a simple humor column turned a lesbian straight?

Or was the return address just someone's idea of a funny joke, included only to humiliate me should I ever meet my mail carrier face-to-face?

After examining the handwriting on the box, tasting the quality of the cookies, and taking into account the fact that my friend Nikki from Minneapolis promised a few days ago to send me some chocolate chip cookies, I came to the ingenious conclusion that it was my friend Nikki from Minneapolis. What a good friend she is, trying to cheer me up like that. There's only one way I can repay her: by sending her a package in return. I know just what to put in it, too:

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   paully      Mar 14, 1447 • 11:58am   ohhh no the bitch got his own pussy like shit Desiree      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   The lesbians sent me some cookies too zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   holy shit, that was funny. Jojo      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY COOKIES??? IM HER BROTHER FOR CHRIST SAKE!!!      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Eating real cookies is better than watching two girls bump donuts. It\'s more satisfying. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I wanna cookie! Cooooooooookkiieee. I bet Paul was crying like a baby when he found out that real lesbians didn\'t send him a package. He\'s into that kind of thing.

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