My Mom Rulez Da Schoolz With Swimmin' Pools

I remember when I was a kid, and my mom (pictured at right) caught me drawing Castle Grayskull from the “He-Man” cartoon series underneath the cushions of the couch. I had drawn a picture of the castle and signed my name by it. “Paul”. Later, when my mom yelled at me, I claimed I hadn’t done it.

She stood for a moment with a confused look on her face, and then tried to scold me more, without much luck. She just couldn’t. My comment had been so utterly moronic that she was laughing as she was lecturing me. That’s just the way my mom is.

I remember another time when my brother and I were sitting in the house, and some older high school kids rode by on bikes. I was always one who enjoyed seeing how normal people would react to random profane comments, so I shouted, “Hey, who’s the f***er out there!”. My brother decided it was time to leave the room. Being the little bastard I was, and knowing that no one would touch a little kid, I stayed and smiled at them as they walked up to the window.

“What did you say?”, the two kids asked.

“I said who’s those cool guys out there”, I replied.

“No you didn’t, you little pr***”, said one of the kids.

My mom, sensing the trouble, came in, hair rollers and all, and saved the day. She sent me to my room and told the guys to leave. She claims they left when she threatened to call the police, but I don’t think so. I think she beat them viciously with their own bicycles until they threatened to call the police.

A lot of people would guess that it was actually the sight of her in hair rollers that sent them scurrying away. I doubt that. But no matter what really happened, there’s one solid fact at work here.

These kids, like all human beings, knew one thing: You don’t mess with somebody’s mom. Unless you’re Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate”.

But my mom had other hobbies besides beating high school punks with their own means of transportation. She helped out in school, too. My mom was always the first to offer help with school projects, and to volunteer to help out with parties and other small events in my elementary school. Most of the kids in my classes knew her. She was a miniature celebrity within those certain holidays of each year. There were even kids in high school who still recognized her from the years before. She was everywhere, doing everything.

What’s that, Paul? Your mom didn’t work at a regular job? No, not a regular job, but she worked just as hard as any “working mom”. She was a stay at home mom, and that was perfectly fine with her. I think it’s safe to say it was fine with my brother and I, too. She gave up her original dream of a career in pro wrestling just for us, and we have been forever thankful.

“Fierce Tangerine Mailbox Lemur” was her official WWF name, until my dad knocked her up.

So what’s changed since I was a kid? Well, I’m still a little bastard. I still do stupid things. It’s just that now I have to deal with the results on my own.

Speaking of results, when this column comes out I’ll likely have a few “results” to deal with. My mom won’t be too happy that I used a picture of her in hair rollers. In fact, she’ll probably yell at me, just like when I drew the picture of Castle Grayskull on the couch. But like back then, she probably won’t be able to stay mad. That’s just the way my mom is.