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Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer sexually molested me ...................Paul Ryan
I think I know why the other reindeer didn't let him join in: because Rudolph is a sick pervert who uses his celebrity status to rape owners of comical websites. You wanna know why Santa put Rudolph at the front of the sleigh? Because otherwise Rudolph's nose would have been glowing halfway up Blitzen's ass. I thought Rudolph seemed pretty nice when I met him. He gave me candy, told me I was pretty, and let me ride him like a horsey. But then he invited me to his Reindeerland Ranch in the North Pole, and things turned nasty. I thought it was fun, though a little weird, when he brought me to a toy store, alone. But then Rudolph asked me to sleep in his bed, and it just weirded me out. He was all spoonin' me and stuff. Then he . . . well, let's just say I became his "personal salt lick". ". . . and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows." Oh God, don't remind me. The Christmas season is just starting, and every time I hear that song, it brings back horrible flashbacks. A smoky room. The scent of pine trees. A plastered Rudolph, jingling his sleigh bells. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" playing softly in the background. AAAAHHHH! AAAAHHHHHHH!! NOT WITH THE ANTLERS!! I'm sorry to dump all this raw emotion on you, reader, but you're the only one I can talk to about this. I can't tell my parents. They don't believe in despoilment by way of reverse bestiality. I can't talk to my friends about this. They're so desperate, they see reindeer and other wildlife as a step up, and would just be jealous. I tried talking to my good friend Aaron J. Brown, but he's totally into the reindeer-on-man action, so he totally took Rudolph's side. Then he tried to get me to buy his latest best-selling book. I tried telling the police, but there aren't actually any laws that say a reindeer can't force sexual intercourse upon a person. I was left with only one option: deadly revenge. Luckily, there's also no laws about murdering a deer with your car. Who needs turkey for thanksgiving, when you have sweet, bloody venison?
 Updated today: Comic Strip
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Sexual molestation is never an easy thing for a victim to admit, but it's even worse when you get molested by a six-foot tall reindeer wearing oven mitts. How would I get the police to believe I was the victim, when they have this picture of me trying to choke him? Of course, as you can see in the photo, Rudolph's right oven mitt is inching around towards my right man boob. This was only the start of Rudolph's inappropriate touching.
"All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games."
