Stop reading this column and go buy me presents

Thanksgiving is over, and the nation's attention has turned to Christmas shopping. I have enough turkey in me to set me unconscious for the rest of the weekend, so I'll keep today's column really short. But don't worry, reader, I'll include some photos so you'll think the column is longer than it actually is.

My mom always freaks out about Christmas shopping, because she never knows what to get anyone. So to help her, I looked through ads in the Sunday paper and found a great gift for my dad, brother, and I all in the same Herberger's ad.

For my present, here's a nice girl for me:

For my dad's present, here's a slightly older woman for him (Sorry mom):

And for my brother, here's an eerie and possibly sinister old man who looks ready for some lovin':

Of course, I kid. My brother is a much better ladies man than myself. Which is exactly why I'll be getting the hot girl for Christmas, and he'll be getting the Sean Connery lookalike with the creepy "beard stroking action". Fair's fair, bro. It's time for me to have some fun.

Have fun shopping today, everyone. If you have time, pick up a nice gift for me, like a sofa or a gigantic barrel of scotch.

Thanksgiving was yesterday, but that doesn't mean you can't still use it as an excuse to get wasted. I've even gone so far as to find a Thanksgiving drink recipe for you. It's called a "Turkey Trot". 2 parts cranberry juice 2 parts 7-Up 1 part Wild Turkey liquor Stir it up, take a drink, and then sit back and try to figure out how you got dysfunctional enough to be drinking Wild Turkey liquor. Drink archives

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Reader Comments

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Mikey      Dec 2, 2003 • 3:12am   haha... yeah we can bring it on if I ain't wasted off my ass. LOL Desiree      Nov 28, 2003 • 6:04am   That hot girl is my next door neighbor. She's a huge bitch.

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