Today sucks, and I'll prove it

Sorry, but I won't be writing a normal column today. I'm too busy and exhausted. Instead, I'll be recapping my horrible day today, as well as part of my upcoming horrible day tomorrow. This should help you understand why I don't have time to write a normal column:

Tuesday, 12:45 am: Thanksgiving was last week, and since I'm a reporter and no one I needed to contact was around the day before or after Thanksgiving, I had to complete five days worth of work in two days: Monday and Tuesday. Which means I was up until 12:45 in the morning last night writing articles. Son. Of. A. Bitch.

Tuesday, 5:30 am: I had to wake up early so I could meet with some stupid student organization I'm writing an article about for work. What kind of ridiculous student organization meets at 7 am, anyway? Ugh. All this, and I was only able to get about two hours of sleep. Son of a bitch.

Tuesday, 6:45 am: I'm late. While running down the stairs, I trip and fall, spilling my armful of reporter stuff and hurting my knee. Son of a bitch!

Tuesday, 6:47 am: I suddenly remember the college guys across the street had a party last night, so I had to park my car four blocks away from my apartment building. Son of a bitch!

Tuesday, 7:07 am: I limp, bleary-eyed and looking like hell, into the classroom where the student group is meeting. The kids seem frightened of me. After looking in a mirror, I also become frightened of me. This student organization has 32 members, but only about 10 of them bothered to show up for this damn meeting. Well, I'm glad I got up early for this! Son of a bitch! Twenty minutes later, a few more students stumble into the meeting late. I'm not sure who was more bleary-eyed, them or me. Either way, I had the limp, so I had them beat.

Tuesday, 8 am: I walk into work. My co-workers see how exhausted I am, and how I'm limping, and proceed to laugh their asses off at me. I stuff my hand in my jacket pocket and secretly give them the finger.

Tuesday, 8 am to 6:30 pm: I work like a madman for all ten and a half hours, just barely getting all my work done. I'm about ready to fall asleep at my desk, and don't even have the energy to say "son of a bitch", like I usually do.

Tuesday, 7:00 pm: I show up for the play audition just in time. I make a nice showing, considering my condition. Since this play is a farce, I spend most of the audition overacting everything, like you're supposed to in a farce. This makes me even more tired.

Tuesday, 8:15 pm: I start writing this lousy goddamn fucking column. Stupid lousy goddamn fucking column!

Tuesday, 9:00 pm: I get in my car and drive two and a half hours back to my parents' house in Minneapolis, because I have a wisdom tooth consultation appointment there in the morning. I chose to do this appointment in Minneapolis because that way when I actually have my wisdom teeth removed, my mom can drive me home (you can't drive yourself home after anesthetic).

Tuesday, midnight: At this point, I'll probably be arriving and going to bed.

Wednesday, 6 am: At this point, I'll probably be waking up and realizing A) I'm really tired, and B) I have to go to the damn dentist. Then I will sit in bed for a few minutes, cursing my horrible, pleasureless life.

Wednesday, 7:45 am: At this point, I'll be in the dentist's office, trying to keep myself from biting his finger just to spite him. Overpaid, sadistic jerkoff.

Wednesday, 9 am: At this point, I'll be driving two and a half hours back to La Crosse, so I can go straight back to work again. Someone shoot me.

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Reader Comments

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melissa      Dec 6, 2003 • 3:10am   things will get better i promise, love rays! Paul Ryan      Dec 3, 2003 • 9:17pm   I didn't get my wisdom teeth pulled, folks. The appointment was just a consultation. Jennifer      Dec 3, 2003 • 8:43pm   Heres a big hug! When I had my wisdoms pulled I really enjoyed eating the gerber baby food peaches, however, stay far away from the Mac and Cheese. YUK! agligs      Dec 3, 2003 • 7:46pm   My day does not seem so bad now. Thanks! dmimz      Dec 3, 2003 • 3:44pm   reminds me of the classic children's book, Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad Day. it's ironic that i read it to my daughter just last night... Katers      Dec 3, 2003 • 2:34pm   Paul wins the award for worst day ever. Bec      Dec 3, 2003 • 11:19am   How the fuck are you going to do that?! I know that it took be like two days to recover from getting my teeth pulled and it sucked. You're my hero. Paul Ryan      Dec 3, 2003 • 5:20am   Okay, scratch that. I won't be able to drive home tonight, because my car's battery just died. It does this every once in a while if I leave my hazard lights on in front of my apartment building for half an hour or longer. I think the battery's just getting old. If I wait a few hours, it'll have recovered enough to start, but that would be too late for driving. So instead, I'll be waking up tomorrow at freaking 4:15 a.m. and driving to Minneapolis. And then driving back. But I won't go into work until 1:30 p.m. or so. I deserve at least that much, damnit. Ugh. Bec      Dec 3, 2003 • 4:11am   I finally feel your pain, brotha. I feel your pain. I hate holidays now. Everyone else has fun and we have to work harder.

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