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Break out your skullcaps, it's time to pretend to be Jewish! ...................Paul Ryan
Add to that my hatred of cold weather, and the only thing I seem to be good for during the holiday season is adding to the misery of others. Luckily, I'm quite gifted at that skill. I've even developed certain types of harrassment, like pretending to be Jewish. It's a very simple technique. You just walk around pretending you're Jewish and forcing others to include Jewish traditions in their holiday activities. Trying different things usually makes people uncomfortable, especially during times of great tradition, like Christmas. This is what makes this form of harassment so fun. If you don't know any Jewish traditions, just make some up. For instance, when you're at the company Christmas party, go up to people who are eating and tell them you're Jewish and are fasting, and ask if they would mind not eating anything. If they continue to eat, get angry and tell them that their gluttony disgusts you. Then stare at them intently while faking a panic attack. Collapse on the floor if necessary. Of course, if you don't have a Jewish last name, some people may have trouble believing you're Jewish. I'm not Jewish, made obvious by the fact that my last name is "Ryan", but people tend to overlook this, for fear of offending me. If people do bring up my non-Jewish name, I tell them I converted, and then bore them nearly to death with stories about Rod Carew and Sammy Davis Jr. If you don't know any stories about Rod Carew or Sammy Davis Jr., just make some up. For instance, you could say Sammy Davis Jr. used to play jokes on relatives by hiding his glass eye in their bowls of matzah ball soup. I'm not sure why, but there's a simple satisfaction one gets from pretending to be Jewish, and reprimanding everyone for excluding them. It's very sadistic and twisted, but damn enjoyable. Pretending to have plight can be a very pleasurable thing, especially when it's plight you haven't actually had to suffer. As for ethics, I don't think pretending to be Jewish is wrong, because even though you're tricking people, you're also helping them become more aware of other beliefs and lifestyles in our world, which is always a good thing. Another trick you can do as part of the "pretending to be Jewish" method is walk into a department store, stand by the seasonal sweatshirts that say "Merry Christmas" on them, and demand to know why there aren't any "Mazel tov on successful Hanukkah!" t-shirts as well. Then, when the employees are rushing around to find a manager, just leave. Wait a few hours, and then come back and complain to someone else. If you repeat this enough times, the topic of "high demand for 'Mazel tov on successful Hanukkah!' shirts" will probably be brought up at the store's next staff meeting. Score one for immaturity, my friend! If you work at a large company, visit a division where no one knows you, and demand to know why they aren't playing Hanukkah music along with their Christmas music. Bring them a CD of Hanukkah music and demand they play it as well. Make sure to check back every few hours, to make sure they're actually playing it. Then go back to your own department, and snicker at how the other department is now forced to listen to two different kinds of annoying seasonal music. Score yet another one for immaturity, my friend!
Just in case you're wondering, I've already tried this at The Newspaper The "pretend to be Jewish" method is very versatile, and its techniques can also be used for Kwanza, the Chinese New Year, or Mexican Hat Day. Enjoy it, reader. Do it to someone else before they do it to you.
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The holidays can be a tough time. People are stressed, depressed, and sometimes even possessed. I've never found the holidays to be too stressful, but that's probably because I have no known skills that would actually be useful to my family around the holidays, so I don't really do anything. I'm a terrible cook, my decorating skills are laughable at best, and my only Christmas caroling talent is in belching one-fourth of "Silent Night". And I haven't done that since I was 12 years old.
- which employs me - and it almost worked last year. This year, they all know I'm not really Jewish, so they aren't falling for my tricks anymore.
