Santa drives a Plymouth Breeze

'Twas 17 days before Christmas, and all through the town, Santa was stirring, where he thought no one was around. He didn't ride in a sleigh, or with the help of reindeer. Instead he got into a Plymouth Breeze, which was devoid of Christmas cheer. No Dasher, no Dancer, no Prancer, No Vixen. Just a crappy little car that was in need of some fixin'. Santa waved as he drove away, pretending it was all right, for him to ride around in a car that really, really bites.

Saturday, for my job at The Newspaper - which employs me - I covered a "Breakfast with Santa" event. It was cute, but the real story was after the event, when I caught Santa Claus driving away in a green Plymouth Breeze. Never in my life have I seen a more horrible vision. If word gets out that Santa uses a Plymouth Breeze to get toys to all the world's children, we're going to have quite a few worried children and parents this Christmas.

I mean, come on, Santa needs something fast to be able to deliver all the toys on time. How about a Ferrari, a race car, or a 1974 AMC Gremlin with a homemade sunroof and nitrous oxide boosters? Santa needs a car that's as fast as his reindeer, not a car that normally hits reindeer, like the Plymouth Breeze.

Perhaps Santa just uses the Plymouth Breeze to get around during the off-season, and on Christmas Eve he uses his trusty sleigh and reindeer. That would make sense. What else would the flying reindeer get used for if they didn't haul Santa?

Still, you'd think Santa would want some style when he's driving around. Also, something with a little more protection. Look at the picture I took. I could have shot him in the face right there. I could have pelted him in the eyeglasses with the lump of coal he gave me last year. I could have stolen his hat and taken a poo in it. I could have grabbed his beard and rubbed it against my butt. With people like me running around today's world, Santa needs a bullet-proof Lincoln Navigator. If his elves can build little kids a Playstation 2, they can build Santa an armored SUV.

Also, you'd think Santa would want an automobile with some comfort. Things are looking a little tight for old tubbo in that Plymouth Breeze. I suppose it's more comfortable than his sleigh, though. Those wooden sleigh seats probably ride your ass like a mofo. That, and the view from his seat on the sleigh probably sucks pretty bad. Having to watch the reindeer poop as they fly you around all night might make those milk and cookie treats people leave on the mantel a bit difficult to swallow.

Either way, I hope Santa gets some new wheels. And while he's at it, I hope he gets me some new wheels for Christmas, too.

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Reader Comments

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Breeze671@aol.com               Breeze671      Jun 2, 2004 • 2:40am   Now exactly what is wrong with a Plymouth Breeze?!!! I drive a Plymouth Breeze and I'm very happy with it! There is no other car that I would drive ANYWHERE than my Plymouth Breeze. I drive it everywhere. Once I got stuck on a flooded street during a rainstorm with water up to the sidemirrors and you know what?! The car drove all the way through it, I got home, and went to work the next day,the day after that and the day after that and so on. There wasn't a thing wrong with it! I watch other more plush cars die and leave there owners helpless,but not my Plymouth. Cholly      Dec 9, 2003 • 5:38am   Somehow, I am feeling Paul is readying an attack as I type this... Katers      Dec 8, 2003 • 2:21pm   No longer will Aaron be forced to defend himself against lewd man-animal love attacks. Victory is his! Aaron J. Brown      Dec 8, 2003 • 1:22pm   My legal defense team commends you for your wise restraint. mindwalker      Dec 8, 2003 • 5:35am   I'm sorta disappointed. I really expected some Aaron Brown man-on-animal commentary as part of this column when you started talking about the reindeer.

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