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I visited the poop factory ...................Paul Ryan
Ha ha! Poop! It's a pretty neat place. You see, all the people in town take a big, steaming dump, and when they flush their crapper/toilet/bidet, the poop goes into the sewer and ends up at the Poop Factory. The people at the poop factory put on gloves, retrieve the poop, and run around throwing it at each other. Sometimes they put the poop in each other's submarine sandwiches as a lunchtime joke. Okay, so maybe they don't do that. But who knows what happens behind closed doors at The Poop Factory. The Poop Factory is there to clean the city's toilet water and remove all the poop from it, so our lakes and rivers will be clean and delicious, instead of gigantic cesspools filled with diarrhea. First, they run the toilet water through a big gate, which blocks out the big steamy whoppers you unearth after eating large portions of mexican food. Then the water runs through a machine that skims the turd particles off the top and bottom of the water, which gets rid of the medium sized bits of rotting feces. Then the toilet water goes into a biosolid digester, which has small bugs inside that eat the microscopic remains of your poop. Then the toilet water goes into three more areas filled with other types of microscopic bugs that also eat poop. Afterwards, chlorine is added to the toilet water in another area, killing anything else left that's harmful. Once the chlorine is removed, the water is dumped into a lake, where it will someday be used for poop-free drinking water and fresh delicious toilet water that your dog can drink. All the poop they remove from the toilet water is collected in a large bin. Later, they take it up in a farming plane and fly around town spraying poop at people they don't like. Okay, so they actually just use it for fertilizer on corn. The high levels of nitrogen and hydrogen help the corn grow. But it would be much funnier if they came swooping down, spraying old ladies with a hose filled with poop. Here's a photo from my time at The Poop Factory:
 This guy works at the poop factory. While it looks like this room is completely covered in poop, it's not. That's just dirt, because obviously, the guy can't swim around in the water trying to clean the top of the room. Not unless he wants to be covered in microscopic bugs that eat poop. One of the cool things about being a reporter is I got to walk around inside The Poop Factory, which is normally off limits for normal citizens. It was cool, because there were all these little buildings and compartments and places to go where you could watch the water being treated. I didn't see any floaters bobbing around in the water, but it was still fun. Unfortunately, I chickened out on asking the guy who works at The Poop Factory whether it would be okay to take a whiz in the earlier processing bins, since it would just get cleaned out by the end anyway.
If I could go back to The Poop Factory again, I definitely would. It was like a childhood dream, the type of field trip I would have loved in school, because it's both educational and hilarious. And reader, if anyone ever walks up to you on the street and says, "Hey! Wanna go to The Poop Factory?", you should definitely say yes.
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Today while working at The Newspaper
- which employs me - I visited The Poop Factory and wrote a story about it. Most people in this city refer to it as the "wastewater treatment plant", but I like to call it The Poop Factory. I also like to capitalize it, because that makes it seem funnier.
