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Take it from a REAL reviewer ................Paul Ryan ........(a.k.a. Barry Larkin)
I don't just write a quick and easy-to-read opinion of a movie, like everyone else. I write as if people came to Yahoo Movies looking specifically for Barry Larkin's movie review. Or, if you want to be formal, splendidmoviereviewer733's review. I spend the first 500 words of my 1,200-word reviews describing the plot in a horrendously detailed manner. Never mind the fact that Yahoo already prints an adequate synopsis of each movie above all the reviews. I like to torture and bore my readers at the same time by making them skim through a gigantic 500-word paragraph just to get to my actual opinion. I also make sure to infuse every lengthy adjective in the English language into my sentences, making them tedious to read and difficult to understand. I'm just like a real movie reviewer, except I'm not! Every mention of an character's name requires at least three out-of-place adjectives to describe the person. For instance, in the movie "Something's Gotta Give", I described Diane Keaton's character as "a cantankerous, splenetic, irritable person who is far beyond her adolescent prime." Those three adjectives mean exactly the same thing, which makes the use of more than one of them completely unnecessary, but my art teacher gives an "A" to anyone who overuses their thesaurus, so it's a tactic I'll continue to use for the rest of my life. Notice how I also used the phrase "far beyond her adolescent prime" instead of "old". Some people say using five times as many words as necessary just wastes more of the reader's time, but I say the more words the better! I also think it's important to write things that make people think. And when I say "make people think", I of course mean "confuse them". In my review of "Elf", I said, "Director Jon Favreau so quickly rushes through the film's North Pole sequence, the utter strangeness of the locale's aesthetic remains largely untapped." People may not know what the hell I'm talking about, but they'll know I'm super smart! Locale? Aesthetic? Untapped? Clunky and unnecessary as they are, those are the words a real movie reviewer would use! Perhaps my favorite part of being a Yahoo user who reviews movies is writing reviews about movies I haven't actually seen. In order to get my name to show up on Yahoo Movies as many times as possible, and have it seen by as many people as possible, I write reviews for all the movies the first day they come out, whether I've seen them or not. But I always make sure to inform people in the last sentence of my 1,200-word reviews that I haven't seen the movie, and was just guessing how good it was based on the trailer. I'm allowed to do that, because I've taken two whole film classes at a state-certified college, so I have experience. Besides owning a thesaurus and knowing how to use the spellchecker on Microsoft Notepad, my other major qualification to be a movie reviewer is my girth. I'm a rotund, thickset, elephantine fat whale of a man, just like portly, corpulent, and swollen film reviewer Roger Ebert. I could actually go outside someday and find a friend, but that might make me lose weight, and then my dream of being a movie reviewer would be gone forever. Thanks, but no thanks! I wish I could talk more, but I'm in very high demand! Not that anyone has actually requested I write more reviews or anything, but I assume they want me to. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write a review of "Lord of the Rings: Return of the King", in which I will give away the ending of the movie in my first paragraph.
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Hello, my name is Barry Larkin, but you may know me by my Yahoo screen name, splendidmoviereviewer733. I'm just one of thousands of losers who go on Yahoo and write user reviews of movies, but I like to think of myself as being head and shoulders above the rest of those inarticulate mongrels. I've taken two film classes in college, which means three things: I like to act like a pompous ass, I like to pretend I'm a professional film reviewer, and I don't know know what the hell I'm talking about. But I have taken two film classes at a real college, so I've learned everything a professional film reviewer needs to know.
