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La Crosse's bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down ...................Paul Ryan
The bridge is closing because they're building another one right next to it, allowing double the traffic to cross the bridge at one time. I'm not sure who the hell would ever want to come to La Crosse, so I can only imagine they're expecting a large rise of intelligence here in the next few years, leading to a massive amount of people leaving the area. The new bridge is finished, but the arch that goes on top of it is being floated downstream and attached on Wednesday. For safety reasons, the old bridge will be closed all day.
"Does the bridge even need an arch?" I asked WhizDOT/PeeDOT/UrineDOT officials. "It seems to be holding up fine right now. I'm willing to deal with the bridge looking like total crap if it shaves 30 minutes off my drive to work." Apparently, the bridge does need an arch to keep it together. Well, boo to that. Back in the days of my editor, who runs The Newspaper And he would have, too, if he hadn't been stricken to his bed with the gout that year. Having the bridge closed down sucks, even just for a day. Driving a longer route just to end up at work doesn't seem like a good deal in my book. Especially with the route I have to take. For those of you who haven't driven in downtown La Crosse during peak traffic hours (that would be all of you), let me relate the experience to you. It's just like being stuck in slow traffic in a larger city, except in downtown La Crosse you're surrounded by bars. So you're faced not only with utter boredom, but also with the temptation of saying "Screw this!", getting out of your car, and getting sloshed. It'll be tough. Just in case the bridge closes again in the future, I've come up with a few alternatives to taking the long drive around. The first solution is to drive my car across the ice on the river. Six or seven years ago, the bridge closed for a few weeks because the heavy female population of La Crosse (average weight: 290 lbs.) wore it down over the years with their girth. I've heard rumors that back then someone tried to drive across the lake, and tied barrels to the sides of their car so the car would float if it sunk through the ice. I don't have any barrels. If my car sinks through the ice, I'll just drown. Meh. That wouldn't be too bad. I'll take that chance! Another solution is to jump the river with my car, Evil Knievel style. I'd have to study physics to get the proper angle and speed combinations, construct a sturdy ramp, and hit it just right while making sure to adjust properly for the wind. I'm terrible at math, got a "C" grade in every shop class I've ever taken, and drive an Oldsmobile that I've never driven faster than 90 mph, so my chances of making this jump are slim. Also, even if I made the jump across, I'd probably die when my car crash lands on the other side. Meh. That's a pretty cool way to die. I'll take that chance! A third solution is to sleep in the closet in my office overnight, so I won't have to drive the extra 30 minutes. Homeless people sleep in closets all the time. They often will rent a heated storage space and live in it. Many years from now, when I retire, I'm sure the failure of Social Security and Medicare programs (thanks for the irresponsible spending, Bush) will force me to do this anyway. Also, I'm a reporter, so my retirement "savings" will consist of a stale bagel and a novelty wooden nickel from Paul Bunyan Land. Staying overnight at work could be fun. I could make it like a sleepover. I could buy a 1.75 of Jack Daniels and walk around urinating in my co-workers' desks. Then, when they noticed the next morning, I could blame it on the cleaning service lady. Ahem. Right. So where's this column headed, reader? I'm not really sure. This column is like diarrhea, except what's coming out here isn't quite as funny. What I'm writing is certainly bile, but it's not bile that's "ha-ha funny". Either way, I don't care. I'm going to bed now, because the new Lord of the Rings movie is being shown at 11:59 p.m. tonight (the only cool thing that's ever happened in La Crosse), and I'll be there.
To hell with this column! I quit!
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The bridge across the Mississippi River near La Crosse will close Wednesday, and since I travel across it to work every day, I'll have to get up 30 minutes early to take the long way around. I tried to use my position as a reporter to sway the Wisconsin Department of Transportation (WisDOT) officials to keep the bridge open, but those men don't listen to reason. But what should I expect from a department whose acronym reminds me of peeing?
- which employs me - they built a bridge across the Mississippi River out of wood, and it didn't need arches. Sure, that bridge burnt down, killing many people along with it, but think how cheap it would have been to build another wooden bridge. I reckon my editor could have paid for that bridge himself.
