Letters column 28: People are nice to me, but I make fun of them anyway

Sweet cherry pancakes on the Talahassee turnpike! I reckon it's time for one-a-them letters columns! Yeehaw! These here letters aren't just any letters, reader. They be letters done sent to me by people who actually like me. Imagine that! What a hoot! Yeehaw! Here be our first letter wrangler, Anna-Marie, from Marietta, GA:

You sweet thing! I accidentally found your site and had my first laugh of the day (and it's already 8:45 p.m. here in Atlanta, Georgia)! I'm going to put you on my "favorite" list. You're a hoot and cute, too. Keep it up, Hon-Bun! I look forward to checking in again!

Thanks, Anna-Maria! I could taste the twisted bile of your southern accent while reading your e-mail. All kidding aside, I enjoy being called "Hon-Bun" by southern women. It makes me feel like a stripper, and not one of those male strippers who dance for other men. One of those ones who dances for overweight, middle-aged women. It's an odd feeling that can't be duplicated naturally, at least not without a lot of liquor and a touch of mental illness.

Well, I suppose you could duplicate the feeling if you actually became a stripper for fat, middle-aged women. But I digress.

Our next letter comes from Bruce in Duluth, MN. Bruce reads my column each week in the Reader Weekly. Yes, believe it or not, a real newspaper actually publishes my columns. Bruce took a dedicated, if not slightly disturbing, interest in my column on visiting the poop factory.

I really enjoyed your article about the waste treatment plant and all the poop. Poop really IS a funny word. POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP POOP.

POOP!

POOP POOP!

POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

POOP POOP POOP!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I'm not sure why, though, you call the plant a "Poop Factory," because factories are places where things are manufactured and/or assembled, whereas the waste treatment plant is occupied with getting RID of the poop. (POOP! hahahahaha!) The REAL Poop Factory is, in fact, your colon, Paul. Keep up the good work (and poop!)

I can't believe a guy who just used the word "poop" 24 times in a short e-mail (that means almost 26% of his words were "poop"!) just successfully pointed out a factual error in one of my columns. Bruce, you are now my favorite reader.

You're right, Bruce. My colon is a poop factory, and I will now refer to wastewater treatment plants as "Poop fresheners", because they merely wash the poop before releasing it back in the waterways for the public to drink again.

Our last e-mail comes from David in Floyd, VA. David read my column about the dangers of deer, bears, and bear-humpers, and was concerned about what to do if he should ever encounter a bear being humped by a bear-humper. I'm here to help, David.

This year we have a bear season here for the first time in my life. I need to know what to do if I see a bear and it is being humped by one of the beastialists. If I go ahead and shoot, should I wait for the bear-fucker to get through before I gut the bear, or just cut around the part of the bear needed by the beastialist for his action? I could leave that part with him so he could take it home - loaded with, well, you know...

If you check Virginia's wildlife and hunting guidelines, you'll see that bear-humping bestialitists are not an endangered species. In fact, Virginia now allows bear hunting in hopes of getting rid of all the bear-humping bestialitists running loose on the streets. Much like the witch trials once held in Salem, Massachusetts, Virginia is willing to kill any human being who is accused of humping bears. Therefore, make sure to shoot both the bear and the bear-humper. I would advise you to keep only the front half of the bear for yourself, though. This will ensure that the meat you take will not be soiled by sperm.

Well, now that the word "sperm" has been used to describe something soiling a bear, that means this column is done. Be sure to tune in next time, when I publish letters from people who actually hate me. It's more fun that way. At least for me.

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Reader Comments

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Shaun      Dec 19, 2003 • 10:03pm   Whats this? No Thursday surprise? Your getting slack,Paul. Lazy bastard. zam      Dec 19, 2003 • 12:44am   Ten bucks says Anna Marie went to hairdressing school.... TIA      Dec 18, 2003 • 6:57pm   POOP! Jennifer      Dec 18, 2003 • 5:02pm   the jury is in and yes its true, Paul is a cutie! jojo      Dec 18, 2003 • 4:19pm   I think he just wants someone to tell him its OK..... Katers      Dec 18, 2003 • 3:24pm   I think Bruce is taking the whole man-bear love thing way too far.

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