I'll give you $50 if you punch someone from PETA

I'm serious about this, reader. If you go to one of the offices for People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, or see one of them protesting on the street, and you punch them in the face, I'll send you $50. Just send me a picture of it. That's all I want; just a picture of someone from PETA lying on the ground with a broken nose to prove to me that there are consequences for stupid people in this world. If you get arrested for the incident, I'll pay your bail as well. The offer is on the table.

Why all the anger towards PETA? Well, they've started showing up at performances of "The Nutcracker" over the holiday season, handing out fliers to little kids whose moms wear fur. The fliers say "Your mommy kills animals" on them. Along with this is a color drawing of a woman thrusting a bloody knife into a rabbit's belly. As if these things weren't bad enough, the last part of the flier says, "And the sooner she stops wearing fur, the sooner the animals will be safe. Until then, keep your doggie or kitty friends away from mommy - she's an animal killer."

This is the most revolting thing I've ever heard. It isn't just wrong, it's a sign of a horrible sickness in PETA people that is neither tolerable nor beneficial. I believe in freedom of protest and I love animals more than anything, but to go so far as to make a kid cry and tell them to hate their parents is unforgivable. With the way our world is today, kids are messed up enough. We don't need stunts like this to make things harder for them.

It's time for people to take a stand against crap like this. It's time to show PETA that we don't appreciate people messing with our kids, and we don't appreciate being bullied to think or act a certain way. It's time to show these pathetic, sleazy vultures that there's a line you don't cross, and if you do cross it, there's going to be consequences. Since common sense obviously eludes these people, we're left with no choice but to beat some sense into them.

I never said anything when PETA yelled and screamed and threatened people for choosing to eat meat. I casually rolled my eyes and ignored PETA when they walked around throwing red paint and blood on people wearing fur. I passed both these things off as immature pranks performed by a group of people who obviously have no idea how to get their ideas across effectively. But telling an innocent and impressionable little kid that their mom may kill their dog or cat is bastardly, and a hundred times more detestable than wearing a fur coat. As usual, PETA has sunk lower than the cause it's fighting against.

Some of you may find today's column ironic, because the humor columns I write are sometimes crude or mean. Naturally, some people might consider my writing to be potentially damaging to kids. But my columns have never been aimed at kids, and they have never been my audience. The few times kids have written to me through my site, it's been to make fun of me. So even if they have read something here that's potentially damaging, they obviously haven't taken it seriously. But handing out grotesque and hurtful propaganda to little kids is a different story, and a sad one at that.

In fact, I find PETA's tactics so despicable, I'm going to encourage people to buy fur, simply to spite PETA. I'd encourage the rest of you to do the same. Every time PETA does something stupid, thank a person for wearing fur, and encourage it among others. If PETA whines and protests something without using any common sense or tact, encourage others to buy a coat made from fox fur. If PETA harasses people for their personal eating choices, tell others how comfortable and trendy coats can be when made from a beaver pelt. If PETA throws paint on someone for wearing a fur coat that probably isn't even real fur in the first place (here's a hint, PETA: "faux" means "fake", and 90% of "fur coats" you find in stores are "faux" ones), tell people how cool it is to buy a goat and fox fur coat. If PETA tries to crush the psyches of little kids, beat someone from PETA up, steal their wallet, and buy yourself a nice coat made from badger fur.

The revolution has to start somewhere, reader, and it certainly isn't starting with PETA. Let's start it ourselves.

I think a drink called Dickhead's Delight is appropriate for today. It's a weaker drink, but a good one for the ladies. 1 oz. Kahlua 1 oz. rum 4 oz. chocolate milk 1 splash whipped cream 1 pinch cinnamon Mix the liquor and the chocolate milk, and then top it with whipped cream and cinnamon. Then, when you wake up hungover the next day, you can sit around drinking the rest of the jug of chocolate milk. Drink archives

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