Warning: the terror alert level has been raised to "Annoying"

The terror alert level for the United States - which conveniently tells us when to don our adult diapers and hide under the kitchen table, rubbing antibacterial soap over our entire body - has been raised from yellow to orange. This color change tells us we should stop urinating in our pants (yellow) and immediately induce vomiting (orange) at random moments during the day. If the terror level is increased to red, we'll all be advised to slit our throats with a pair of sharpened pinking shears.

Pinking shears are the scissors with jagged edges. Buy some at your nearest pinking shears retailer, because like duct tape, they'll soon be hard to find.

The Associated Press article on the raised terror level starts out by telling us al-Qaida has "signaled" a "grandiose terrorist attack" that "could be imminent." A few paragraphs later, it's revealed that the government actually has no logical reason to believe there's an attack coming, but the holidays are a vulnerable time when people gather in large groups, so the level was raised based on that.

So now airport guards have automatic weapons when patrolling airport parking lots. Because, y'know, the terrorists are going to attack the airport itself, instead of hijacking a plane and doing 100 times more damage. Maybe next we can give luggage handlers automatic weapons, just in case a suitcase tries to make a move.

Later in the article, it says "another layer of protection was likely put in place over the past 24 hours that is not outwardly apparent." So let's recap: the "imminent" terrorist attack our government expects - based on nothing more than the fact that it's the holiday season - has caused them to add lots of protection that no one will notice. So if I've got this straight, what the government is saying is, 1) there's no increased threat, 2) in response, they've done nothing, and 3) they want us to think they've done something so they'll look good anyway.

At this point, I'd like to announce that I may soon bench press 450 lbs. There's no reason to believe I could bench press 450 lbs, and I haven't done any strength training that would be noticeable by anyone, but I'd just like to say I may bench press 450 lbs, because that will make everyone think I'm working really hard when I've actually done nothing. Oh, and there are several sources I'm secretly monitoring around the world that say I might even bench press more than 450 lbs. So please, everyone go out and talk about how great I am and how hard I've worked. In a few months, when the buzz dies down, I'll repeat the same claim again, to make sure I stay popular.

But enough about me. Let's get back to making ourselves nervous about the increased terror level. Security has been tightened at the Gateway Arch in St. Louis, because as we've learned from the 9/11 attack, terrorists don't like to kill as many people as possible, they like to waste surprise attacks on large inanimate objects that have few, if any, people in them. Hey! You thirteen people in the St. Louis Gateway Arch! Look out!

Perhaps Ken Schaefer, the superintendent of the Gateway Arch, should be given an automatic weapon. I don't know, people. I'm just throwing out ideas here.

Christmas is my favorite time of year, and it's only two days away. New Year's is probably my second-favorite time of year, and it's a little over a week away. You know what I'd like for Christmas and New Year's? I'd like the time to pass without people being fed a line of hypothetical crap to scare them. It's the holiday season. Leave us the hell alone so we can enjoy it.

1/5 column rating (1 votes) Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1 2

aaronjbrown@yahoo.com        shaundouglas131@hotmail.com                                    Shaun      Dec 24, 2003 • 6:46pm   Suuure Ian. I'm sure it was a desperate last-hope bribe to Paul to nominate a new Scapegoat of the World,though. On a less disturbing note,it turns out Paul did create some sort of feature...a crappy cop-out for an article. You truly are a lazy,lazy bastard,Paul. Ian (Scapegoat Of The Universe)      Dec 24, 2003 • 5:44pm   I would just like to say that I have never greased ANYTHING of Paul Ryan's...in the shower or otherwise.

page:   1 2