Call me 'Mr. Cell Phone'. Get it? Call me? Ha!

I've never been a big fan of cell phones. They're not as clear as regular phones, they're too small, and they're annoying as hell. Especially those damn ring tones. I find it excruciatingly painful having seven Bon Jovi songs played at once when someone calls, and it pains me even more when some 14-year-old who has no idea who Beethoven is puts the ninth symphony as their ring tone so they seem "old skool".

So I don't just hate cell phones, I despise them.

Well, let me tell you, irony is a stinky cologne to wear. I know this for a fact, because I recently bought a cell phone. I still think they have poor sound quality, are too small, and are annoying as a greased badger wrestling a retarded penguin in my underpants, but the low price and convenience won me over. My regular phone bill is around $30 a month plus long distance, so it's just more economical to switch to a $35 cell phone plan with free long distance. This will also help me in my job as a reporter, because I'll be more accessible. Now my boss will be able to contact me even when I'm slumped over on the bar, trying not to vomit.

Of course, things aren't perfect. I've had my cell phone for five days now, and carrying it in my coat pocket wherever I go has only reassured me that I truly, undoubtedly have no friends whatsoever. But I'm not really interested in talking to people, anyway. I've found myself focusing more on learning how to annoy people with my phone. For instance, one thing I'd love to do is pull out my phone in the middle of the supermarket and pretend I'm having a profane argument with a clown.

Listen here, Mr. Chuckles, you goofy son of a bitch. If you don't get your ass in that little midget car of yours and get your big floppy shoes over here right now, I'm gonna push this shopping cart all the way home just so I can cram it up your ass! What did you say? WHAT? Listen, jackass! Don't threaten me with that squirting flower crap. I'm not afraid to make a clown cry, Mr. Chuckles. I'll make you the mother of all ironies for a month straight if I have to! If you don't get over here right now, I swear to God, I'll rip out your damn pancreas and throw it back at you like an organic water balloon filled with insulin.

Another annoying thing I'd like to do, as contradicting as it may seem, is find some really annoying ring tones to download. The problem is that I use Sprint, and for some reason, all the ring tones cost money. My phone could play the theme from the TV show "CHiPs" every time someone calls, but I'd have to pay $1.50, and I'd only get it for 90 days. Please. That swanky, swingin' song may have been made especially for the likes of Erik "Poncherello" Estrada, but it still isn't worth the price. I could probably go buy the rights to the damn song for $1.50. I'd just have to keep searching through Los Angeles dumpsters until I found the loser who wrote it all those years ago.

The games for my phone also cost money, as does everything else. In fact, pretty much every so-called "cool feature" on cell phones sucks in one way or another. With my phone, I get free Internet service on it for the first two months. This would be great if, once again, it were actually useful. Even my own website looks like total crap on this thing:

Then again, my regular phone doesn't cruise the Internet or do anything cool either. I should be happy just to have a phone that works decently and costs less than my regular service. And to tell you the truth, having a greased badger wrestle a retarded penguin in my pants makes for quite an interesting day. I still find it annoying, if not downright painful, but it's interesting nonetheless. Maybe I can charge people admission to watch it, and make enough to pay for that CHiPs ring tone.

Steve Burns used to be the host of the "Blues Clues" show. Then he met the drummer for The Flaming Lips and a few other people, and formed a band. And believe it or not, they freakin' rock. Don't believe me? Just listen to this song. "Mighty Little Man" by Steve Burns Music archives

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