Predictions for 2004

What's the point of writing about New Year's resolutions? They're boring. Reading about someone's attempt to better themselves is about as exciting as a 12-hour marathon of Chevy Chase's early-90s talk show. I think it was called, "Chevy Chase's Hour of Smiling Awkwardly at the Camera". Sadly, that show was still better than Martin Short's equally unfunny and short-lived talk show, "Martin Short's Hour of Unfunny Characters No One Has Laughed at Since SCTV".

No, I'd rather start the New Year by making predictions. This way, even if it's boring, gambling can still be added to the equation to make the column interesting. So here are my picks for events that will happen in 2004:

• I will get out of debt, buy a puppy dog, and hump your mother. Not all on the same day, though.

• Howard Dean will win the Democratic nomination. John Kerry and Richard Gephardt will go the same route as Al Gore after the 2000 election, by growing a beard and pouting for six months. Dean will lose big time to Bush, because the country will see Bush as more patriotic and presidential than Dean, who tends to come across as overly eccentric and unfriendly. After his loss, Dean's legendary temper will show up as he beats one of his staff members to death with his shoe.

• Bush will do a terrible job during the second term of his presidency, just like every other two-term president throughout history. Except worse.

• After the 2004 election, the terror alert system will slowly, almost magically, disappear from the public's conscious. It won't be used by our government anymore, because there will be no political reason to scare people into being patriotic and supportive of the administration.

• The Atkins diet will lose a lot of its following when it's found that all the people who got thin on it immediately became fat again when they went back to eating bread and other normal food.

• Michael Jackson will beat the child molestation charges, becoming America's latest version of O.J. Simpson. But unlike O.J., Jackson won't be smart enough to keep his mouth shut and stay away from media coverage afterwards.

• Ian Talty, scapegoat of the universe, will again be a recluse in an attempt to make people forget about him. But just like this year, his plan will fail. He will also continue to hide from Adam and myself, but we will eventually hunt him down and force him, at gunpoint, to hang out with us.

• The job market in America will improve, but not as much as people hope it will. Translation: you'll have a job, but it will be a crappy one, and you'll still be too scared of the unstable job market to leave and find better employment.

• The war in Iraq will still be ongoing come election time. We will not catch Osama bin Laden.

• George Will, columnist for the Washington Post, will continue to print dull, uninspired columns. Readers will begin to suspect he's just publishing the same columns each year, with a few changes made to make them seem current. And they'll be right.

• Abe Vigoda will die. A few people will mourn, while everyone else will say, "Abe Vigoda? Who the hell was that again?" Daily Ramblings will do a week-long tribute.

• Corey Feldman still won't have work. For shame, American public! Feldman will place all his hopes on a comeback in watching "The Goonies" over and over again until he figures out what he did right.

• Apple computers will gain market share. The company's stock will rise again, and then stay steady at around 25 points. The lower-end $100 iPods (coming Jan. 7) and G5 laptops (they're bound to come out sometime this year) will be the cause of Apple's success.

• By the end of the year, no one will remember Clay Aikens. Mainstream music will still suck, though.

• The Reader Weekly in Duluth, MN will get more writers because of the Ripsaw's change to a monthly format. At this point, they will fire me in favor of someone who doesn't write columns about poo, and who doesn't cause angry letters from readers every week. I will announce a rally to save my Reader Weekly column. Two people will show up. We will have hot chocolate and pie. Yum.

• Aaron J. Brown will have a nervous breakdown from stress, and will be fired from his job as program director at KUWS (radio station) for screaming a naughty word on the air. I'm hoping that naughty word will be "fuckass".

• Michael Moore's new movie will flop with everyone except extremist liberals. He will lose even more respect from most rational liberals.

• Ann Coulter will continue to get lukewarm book sales, and will continue sleeping with various Republican men, not realizing that the reason she never feels satisfied is because liberals, which she avoids, are the best at dishing out the lovin'.

• To generate buzz, Microsoft will start previewing its blogging software, which the company plans to include in its upcoming Longhorn operating system. The software will suck, and be difficult to use. People will use it anyway, because they're lazy.

• The Cubs will win the World Series. No, seriously.

• The Minnesota Vikings will still suck, and will miss the playoffs for the fourth season in a row. Coach Mike Tice will be fired. Another crappy coach will be hired. After a Sports Illustrated article recounts the team's years of failure and near-success-gone-horribly-wrong, the Vikings will become known as the Chicago Cubs of the NFL.

• "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" will win Best Picture, and rightfully so.

Rate column 5 - Great 4 - Good 3 - Average 2 - Poor 1 - Awful

Reader Comments

page:   1

aaronjbrown@yahoo.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   TractorInc      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   You had better not be talking about Jimminy Glick. Glick is one of the greatest shows ever. Aaron J. Brown      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Stress? What stress? The most stressful part of my day is coming to this site to see if there are A) doctored photos of me in a lewd act with an ungulate or B) NO doctored photos of me in a lewd act with an ungulate. For now, I feel fine. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Sadly enough, he appears to be on the mark with some of them. zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Can\'t do \'em all in the same day, eh? Lazy bastard, you\'re not trying....

page:   1