My parents have a creepy obsession with Jell-O

If you've ever seen the movie "Blue Velvet", which includes a perverted, helium-snorting Dennis Hopper screaming the f-word every five seconds, one of the truest lines in the movie is, "It's a strange world."

This line is especially true for families. While my family doesn't have anyone who beats people in the face and screams "Don't look at me, dammit!" while having sex with them - like Hopper's character - all of us are still strange in our own way. My parents usually deny being strange, and blame the weirdness of my brother and I on relatives they don't like. Since my family has an exceptionally large amount of strange, unlikable relatives, my parents never run out of people to blame. It's a nice little racket they've got going.

If any of my relatives are reading this, rest assured that I'm kidding. Maybe.

My parents are just as weird as my brother and I, and recently, I was able to obtain proof. It's not a big scandal of any sort, but my findings are still rather disturbing. You see, my parents seem to have an extremely unhealthy obsession with Jell-O.

Upon opening the refrigerator the day before Christmas, I found a smorgasbord of Jell-O cups. My parents have a selection larger than the supermarket where I live. In all, there were 62 individual Jell-O cups in the fridge. You want lime? They've got lime. You want orange? They've got orange. Does your pregnant wife have some odd hankering for black cherry Jell-O? They've got that flavor as well. If Jell-O came out with a new vomit-flavored variety, I'm sure my parents would buy some of that, too.

I checked the refrigerator again a few days later, and no one had eaten any of the Jell-O. With that much of it, you'd think they ate the stuff rather regularly, but none of it was gone. It was just sitting there, like a small shrine. I asked my mother if Bill Cosby had visited them recently, but she just gave me a weird look.

Perhaps there's another explanation. If you look at the first picture I took, you'll see that surrounded by all the boxes of Jell-O is one sole cup of Jolly Ranchers brand gelatin. This cup looks as though it's been sitting around for quite some time, which leads me to believe this cup lords over the rest of the Jell-O, like a mob boss over his henchmen. Why else would this cup be so carefully guarded by the other packs? If you look at the second picture I took, you'll see some stray cups of Jell-O in a side section of the refrigerator. They look like animals milling around in a fenced area. These are obviously cups of Jell-O that are disliked by the head gelatin, and are slated to be eaten next.

I decided not to eat any of the Jell-O, for fear of the Jolly Rancher cup ordering the other Jell-O cups to murder me in my sleep. I could have eaten the Jolly Rancher cup of Jell-O, thereby making myself the new gelatin master, but I feared mutiny. Also, the Jolly Rancher cup looked old, so I was afraid it would give me diarrhea.

Instead, I made plans to push some heavy shelves in front of my bedroom door before retiring for the night. I tried to interrogate my dad about the Jell-O, but he gave me the runaround, as expected. Instead of telling me the truth about his weirdness, he made up some story about being on the Atkins diet, and said something about how the diet only allows him to eat Jell-O, uncooked ground beef, and dairy products that have been regurgitated by someone else. I did not mention my theory regarding the Jolly Rancher cup. He might be in cahoots with that one.

Either way, it's become obvious that no matter what the truth is, my parents are still really weird. I warned you, dad. Now the proof is here for everyone to see. You're the caucasian Bill Cosby. That would make my mom the caucasian Phylicia Rashad, which just gives me the willies.

My parents are weird, reader. My parents are really freakin' weird.

New Year's may be over, but the weekend is here, and it wants attention, too. Since you already have a hangover, why not add to it, ten fold? Here's a drink called a "Black Velvet", which involves mixing beer with champagne. 5 oz. Stout 5 oz. champagne Pour the stout into a champagne flute. Add the champagne carefully, so it doesn't mix with the stout. This is actually supposed to be really good, but I imagine the effects of it the next morning will be similar to having a fat man sit on your face until you die from suffocation. Drink archives

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Reader Comments

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epidad@yahoo.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   stephanie_bedford@hccy.com      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Steph      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Thanks heaps for putting this website up. My drama group atre doing our group performance on óbsession and your jell-o story was great material! Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   This whole Jello thing makes me think of the movie Better Off Dead when Charles De Mar is snorting the Jello in the cafeteria! Jellophobe      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Paul - don\'t be taken in by these lies, they are obviously manifestations of a Jello zombie!!! The Jello cups are using your father to GET YOU. Look - he has publicly humiliated you in spite of your thoughtful Christmas gift! John      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   This is sugar free Jello which is hard to find in the supermarkets. So, when we find it we stock up on it. Ten calories per container and no carbs. As for the single container of Jolly Rancher jello, it is there because I tried some for a change of pace and it was truly awful! I am too cheap to throw it away and I was hoping that one or both of my sons, who freely help themselves to my stuff would eat it.

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